Gifts from the Past, Present and Future!

Wow it has been so long that I sat here to write , that I forgot how wonderful it felt and how soothing it is to my soul! It feels like playing the piano after a long stint away from my music. I can see the keys on my keyboard as if they were the ivories of a piano. Clicking to a rhythm and flow with a melody to create the words in my heart and on my mind.
It is helpful to look back on my years of posts and see that changes have been steady and raw. Seeing the work in progress and in past makes me proud to know that the trials are just as beautiful as the victories!

I used to think I was cheated when I graduated from high school and my parents gave me an electric typewriter, when my classmates got cars and diamonds and pearls.  To me the typewriter felt like a passive aggressive message, somehow saying to me... "write when you find work!"! What did they know about me that I didn't know at that time was that I was indeed best served by writing and creating and composing the words that I experienced in my heart, my mind and my soul! Did they really put that much thoughtfulness into the graduation gift?   Did they know that my life was to be written for all to read?  Did they know that the signature of a writer was in nine of the twelve houses in my astrological chart? Did they know that my numerology computation is the signature of a writer?  Did they know this was to be my ultimate bliss?  It is amazing to me the serendipity in this story!
Now that I am seeing what I forgot in my thoughts and feelings or the lack thereof I am sitting in my recognition!  Recognition is like possession, 90% of the law of healing and changing from within! Now seeing the change and loss of time at the keyboard I am feeling the numbness in my fingertips again from being able to let the passion of writing take stronghold.

Today there was a sonic boom of sorts in my soul! I stood in the bank parking lot just retrieving cash for my oldest daughter to fund for her trip to her new home in California.  She had come home to get her things and sort her old life to prepare for her upcoming marriage and life.  I hugged her tightly and it occurred to me that I had not done enough to prepare her for the world and to strengthen her.  She seemed so small for a fraction of a second during our hugs goodbye. I wondered if she needed more?  This would be the last time I would see her before she changed her name, her expectations of the world and her relationship to time. She was about to forever change her life and her dreams. The sonic boom came as I drove away and heard the loud wave of sadness rise from my heart in a tight aching that welled up the tears in my eyes.  I was realizing another big event was happening and I needed to release it into the Universe.  At this point could I give myself more? Could I give her anything of value than the understanding of who she was and how much I loved her?  Should I have sat down with her and done her tarot cards or a numerology reading to help her know what she should do with her life?  No, my intuition and knowing are not needed here.  Just the vibrations of love and hope for her and her soul!  This must have been how my parents felt when I drove away with a U-haul full of stuff to begin my new life!  Returning to the place of silence has helped me.  I tried to wrangle my tears driving home. I called my own mother's cell phone. Wanting to tell her thank you and that I am able to see all that she did for me and gifted me with!  No answer.  Would she have been able to accept my message if I had been able to deliver the gratitude over the phone?  I am not sure. It might be a bit too late.

So here it sits with me to keep on task and with focus on the point I tried to make earlier.  There is rhyme and reason in chaos and in stillness! The perfect life is as unpredictable as the imperfect life.  That truly one must be able to live in the flow of life, watching for bubbles of air that rise to our consciousness! Catching our breath in the tide pools and strengthening our muscles and soul in the strong under currents.  There is nothing more my parents could give to me than that.  There is nothing more that I can give to my children than just that as well.  The gift of being present and loving regardless of what happens.