Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Standing back up and trying to get grounded




So here it is Tuesday and I am finding myself knocked over and teetering on decisions. No one thing is driving the bus of over-analyzation, it is just driving itself at this point! I need to find some space to get quiet tonight and look inside.


For as long as I can remeber I am never alone. I find that the time I get to relax is usually filled with so many things demanding my time and thoughts. Sometimes knowing chaos is comforting, something known and predictabily unpredictable. What would I do if I were really still and quiet. How would I veiw things this way? It seems almost upside down to my perspective. It can be such a boon to me to accomplish so much in so little time with so little brain power but still some days feel overwhelming. I think of all that happens in a week and am often humbled and wonder how it all got sorted, catagorized, cleaned, preened and perfected or left to perfect itself in a knowing kind of way!

It is that moment when I have to say, "Ahh yes! How did that happen?" or Ahh, yes! I was susposed to take care of this or that!" then I realize time is fleeting and I am running at break-neckc speed to make sense in a non-sensical way of things that really aren't susposed to make sense at all but are susposed to be just what they are...chaos.

Sighing in my room, laying here thinking about the possibility of living on a tropical island, living in the mountains away from all the noise and hustle. There is a time for quiet and patience in my life and in my day. I keep forgetting to take care of it first.

So yoga, wii fit or just back out on my walks? Leaving the rest of things behind and taking care of myself being more able to direct, rodeo and manage the mind, my world and my days.


Standing back up and brushing myself off! Getting back to a place that I can listen again! Whew!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Exploring the cave, spelunking the "Ann Cave"!.






So in the deepest, craziest times I find myself in this cave. Exploring my thoughts, my emotions and my dreams. Beating down anger, soothing hurts and sadness and singing in gladness. I can find these things in my cave, my "Ann Cave".

One visit I was caught between a crevasse of decision, groping for a rope of understanding to pull myself out.

Another time I was teetering on a precipice, thinking about impact, falling and the depth of the fall.
I have left paintings of thoughts and dreams and drawings of intuition rendered in visions. I have navigated stalactites and stalagmites. I have looked for the entrance that holds a ray of light in a cold dark place. I have searched in my cave during my winter and in the stifling heat of passion and sadness of summer.
I have sought out underground streams of wisdom and clarity. I have stirred the sediment in the pools of condensation, to find my heart still confused when I walked away.
I have sought to find others that live in my cave to hear their movement and signs of life but find them ghosts in my imagination. Sometimes I have not been alone. I have been in my cave with loved ones in spirit and held their hand tightly. I have heard them cry and wander without words. We have searched for some loved ones and their light, the inner light that guides and shines. Following their light to try to join it with our own.
I have heard my breathing, heard my thoughts from my own voice although those thoughts were never spoken. I have heard music, air rushing while I am still. I should hang a chime in my cave.

It has been a territory I am familiar with. There have always been deep dark caches of rooms to explore. Yet I am never alone, not without my thoughts and feelings and memories. Some things terrifying are also comforting. Familiarity is depth and shallowness all in the same moment.
Enter at your own risk, choose to sit outside, listen from the mouth of the cave for the cries and songs. It is a place of refuge, a trap at times. I can sleep for days in my cave and emerge unchanged but refreshed. I can sit for hours and feel as if I am leaving the cave another woman, another spirit. Sometimes it is the journey and not the destination that changes me.
I have a feeling that comfort comes from within. Amenities are carried in and frugal to those on the journey. No journal is kept, nothing recorded. Too sacred for words and too fleeting for capture. Revisiting is reviewing. Return to its depths. Knowing that returning to the cave is just as important as leaving it.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Forest Russell







He was born in 1901 and died in 1924. November 19th was his birthday.
Brother to Caroline, son to strict Victorian parents. Forestry industry and land owners were his family's trade.
Obligated by duty and obedient by upbringing.
Wanted to be a vet but went to law school because that was what his father wanted.
Had a horse name Charlie.
Was allergic to feathers.
Refused to butcher his sister's white rabbit when parents requested it.
Hated striped trousers and preferred to wear brown.
Spent his days in the library studying law and looking out the window of the law library, wondering how to fulfill his dreams and destiny.
Dreamed of love and adventure.
Loved architecture and his sister deeply.
Lived in the south North Carolina to be exact.
Rode to and from school on the train.
His heart was broken when he had to leave his sister Caroline.
He preferred the kitchen and the company of Junie his family's cook. Her food was hearty and warming and her laughter and love a magnet. Avoiding the family parties and public appearances.
Had a love of beer and pubs that he hid from his parents.
Died of a brain tumor on the left side of his brain.
Died in his sister's arms at just 23 years old. Still a virgin, never kissed, never traveled beyond home and school.
Knew much of his heart but felt alone for the duration of his life.
Rode his horse Charlie in love and in passion. Against his mother's wishes.
Loved the snow and the trees.
Was not finished and had much to do.
I get you. I know. How that pain feels. How that world left you wanting.
A good son, with a heart of gold, dedicated and obedient to a fault.
There was much to do and much to fulfill.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Ocean Size Love








There were a few select times in my life that I felt close. A few times that I never shared with another person. Times when I was alone and in or at peace. Times I stood alone. I felt that awesome fear. The fear that I was small, the knowing that I would and could be completely engulfed by all.
There are places that I hold dear to those memories. I long to feel that. Rarely ever to be equaled. There were times before I had children. Times when my children were born and times when I am at home in the northwest.
I feel the greater sense of something. That echo inside of me that tells me that this is true but a mere shadow of home. Of where I am from and where I will return.
Do you think there is night time or sunset in the place we deem heaven? I can imagine that it is never dark. As celestial beings we would always be brilliant, always be shinning and the presence of heaven would be so bright it would shine brighter than the sun. Then why would we think that heavenly beings need sleep? As humans we must be ruled by this clock. Is it because our souls never sleep and if our bodies, as human as they are, must be ruled here on earth by the need for sleep and rest and darkness? If not we would burn our human-ness out in a few short weeks. Leaving lives untouched, uncreated and unfulfilled. Was it not infinite wisdom to give us the night so that we would temper our pace while on the earth? Stretch it out, make time for time? Allow us the pace to learn our lessons and feel our feelings in our human experience? It seems to keep our humanity locked in rhythm to the earth to slow our celestial speeds down to be able to exist in this plane/plain of relativity.
Thus it is even more brilliant and wondrous how we are created to be ruled by the dark and the moon but give so little credence to it in our life today. It drives the waves, changes life and death, makes for seasons, and keeps us from burning out as beings. How infinite that wisdom is to me.
I had felt I was so close at one time that I could reach out and touch home. Touch eternity. Know exactly where I was from. What I was here for and what I was to be. Then in a flash it all vanished. I begged for that closeness once again on many occasions. The confusion of my humanity keeps me wanting. Wanting the window, the view, the understanding of the why and the who.
I can find moments in the day when I can sit back and say...I get that, yes it makes sense. Then there are moments when my comprehension is fogged by emotion and fear. When I cry out in pain wondering why do I have to feel this way. What will it prove, how will this move my life to the next level of my being?
Very few places on earth have touched me in that way. Very few places and moments have given me the clarity of eternity as those cherished few have.
Upon awakening I am longing for the sleep, but yet upon my living I am longing for eternity. Is this a trial or just a journey asking myself again and again.

Ocean Size Love
I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of it leaves me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we were delicate and small
And the space between me is my redemption.
I see you in front of me, as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave, this daydream yet.
And if I seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with and ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love.
I don't have to worry any more
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought that I'll be there is my protection
I see you right in front of me, a vision in my head
And I know this is as real, as a daydream gets.
And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
But it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send me a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love.
You make no sound, but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends, like the sea, like you for me.
And it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love
And it might seem much too far, to get back to where you are
And it's close enough, with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me, send a sign across the sea
And I'll pick it up, with an ocean size love.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

I am feeling good!








I am so grateful for the day and the dawning! Shame on the past and the self doubt! It is all good! It is all what I want it to be, it is just what I dreamt it would be. I feel the power of it. Kind of like a wave on the tide of a tow that brings me to the force and the wash and feeling of struggling to breathe in it its own power.


I am so lost to it's power. I know that what I feel is bigger than all I imagined. I am ready to tie myself to the shore and feel the surge of what I am facing. That you Pluto.
There is so much to be mindful of and in the moment of things I feel I am just able to keep my hands on the steering wheel. So I have tried the GPS and I have tried to figure this on my own, my own intuitiveness. Yet I have so seemed to come up short. I am not even trying to predict but know this is it...the moment of things that are good. It is all good and I know that I am destined to better and brighter things for the good of a legacy and for mankind. No looking back! Now I know all my scrapes and skins have been for purpose to see that I am ready and trained.

Thank you to my parents, Thank you to my friends, Thank you to my loves and especially thanks to my children! All of you have shaped me for who I am and who I am to become. I pray that I am just what you would hope for and that you would find solace in my trials, knowing they were not in vain, knowing they were for gain and prosperity and knowing that my love drove me to all of my choices!

No direction device is needed now and much more than that no more of an intuition is regarded, I am sure of one thing...This is what I was designed for and that I am feeling good about it.

Monday here I come!