Defining Moments to a woman!

There I was having breakfast with one of my dearest friends. We were catching up on the latest in each others lives and it happened. Yes that infamous moment when we broke into the all-time champion girl topic that revisits our lives from the moment we were first awarded the piece of our wardrobe that defined us in so many ways.

It happened the last time we were together eating breakfast and catching up. It also happened the time before that as we both acknowledged our epiphany into ourselves. Yes at 45 I am still learning. Learning about myself, about my world and about the things that I rely on to define me, myself and I.

At that time I can only imagine it was near the age of two or so. The cotton soft briefs that were awarded to me so graciously by my Mom. Little do we know as Moms and as women of the impact that first pair of underpants has on us. This is the moment of responsibility. The moment of ownership and the place of rank in the world of "big girls" in our life. Can you remember them? Were they colored? Were they white cotton Hanes? Were they adorned with cartoon characters of a playful nature? Did the have ruffles sewn across the bottom? Hmm, what was Mom thinking when she purchased them? What was I thinking when they became mine...all mine! The big girl panties! No more diapers!

I found myself standing in front of my dresser drawers, open, with a pile of lace facing me. Wondering what I would like to wear today. Underwear, panties briefs and bikinis. Wow! You have come a long way baby! Those whom have known me for the past twenty or more years, know all to well the evolution that has occurred in my life. Many evolutions but to those closest and "in the know"...The creation of a species or underwear user/consumer that has defined my being to some degree. That definition that has been large and small, modest and immodest. From cotton white training pants, jockey briefs, Hanes bikinis, Mormon underwear, to the lace and comfort of panties that is now what makes me smile.

Why is she smiling? How is it that panties can be so defining? They are just underwear right? Isn't it that necessary piece of undergarments that we prescribe to in our modern society and culture? It is truly not that big of a deal. Or is it?

In gender roles, dances and games, the donning of a sexy piece of underwear signals to the spouse/partner that our sexuality and femininity is "on" and open for business. Shattering, I know. Why is it that women allow their femininity to be like a duty, a uniform for others to appreciate? Rather than for themselves. Allowing permission to be feminine in select moments of our lives. Our honeymoon, an anniversary, a birthday, a holiday. How is it that it has to be a special event to adorn our calendar before we can adorn ourselves in trappings of femininity? Should this be so? Who decides this?

Can we just break free and see that this femininity was all ours, twenty-four hours a day seven days a week? Not just for a special occasion, and event but for us, our enjoyment and our journey. Would you think of crossing the desert without air conditioning? Then why wouldn't we live everyday in the gift of our femininity? Relishing the gift we have. That only we have! Women! Girls! How lucky can we get? Curves and lines, smooth and bumps and all! I think it is wonderous! Seems so silly that I have lived in this body for so long and not recognized it for what it was. Packaging of what it is, for who it makes me and for the beauty that defines each of us women.

So back to the big girl panties...I had the honor of knowing a woman that I once worked with that taught me a great motto. She herself was struggling with some intense challenges of raising two daughters, one of whom was deaf, all the while she battled an advanced stage of breast cancer. Once in the office we were talking about how things had become so distorted in our own perceptions of what we thought life should be and how much we had allowed this dissatisfaction effect our days and lives. She had brought in a card to share. The card had a picture of a little girls cryng on the front of the card. the outside of the card read, "Sometimes life is terribly wrong and nothing goes right." Inside the card it read "Just put on your big girl panties and get over it!". Yes we laughed so hard till we cried. It was just what I had to think through. My perceptions of myself and my life seemed so awful. We commesurated and got back to work.

So here it is the first "school night" and the kids and I are sad to see summer go. The teens are complaining about the fact they have to go back to school. I have to go back to work and yet another day goes by all over the world. Loving myself, my children, my life and my gifts. I am loving my big girl panties and what they mean to me. I am grateful for my femininity and the chance I have to celebrate it in mindfulness and consciously. I will get up tomorrow pick my big girl panties out of my drawer, put them on and say to myself..."Get over it! It will be a terrific day!!".

For the moment dancing in your underwear is an okay thing to do!

Knowing how to catch and release...

There is something to the Chinese Fung Shui concept of clearing, getting rid of things that clutter. Not only does it allow for negative, old unused items to be gotten rid of but it makes space to welcome good, new and better things into our lives. We tend to accumulate much on a grander scale than any other country or culture I have ever known. We buy things to hold our things, we buy more things because we think more is better. We collect things because we think we need them. The more we buy, get or collect...the more we want. It makes me remember the two year old that rule of life. What I have is mine, what you have is mine, what I see is mine, what you see is mine and what I am not playing with is mine. Is this where it starts?

So catch and release? You are thinking, "Ann, where are you going with this?". Well many places actually. Catch and release energy, good or bad positive or negative. Catch and release ideas, good or bad, positive or negative. Catch and release memories, loving, hurtful or just the ones that make us think. Is it such that we can only catch? Release is such a terrific thing for me these past two years. I know I used to catch and horde all the energies, emotions and feelings. I now know the beauty of the release. Holding but for a moment. Be in the moment. Learn from the moment. Letting the purpose of the catch(emotions, energy and feelings) be. Serve their purpose, then as needed, release. What a novel idea to release! Why I couldn't or wouldn't was beyond me. Now looking back I see that my skill set wasn't ready or able to release.

The accumulations of things, emotions, energies and feelings have a way of demanding our attention. In purposeful ways. To experience the catch, feel the moment, then hold the experience. Learning while holding if possible. Thinking upon the catch. Knowing the value of it. Feeling its gift and impact. Then comes the hard part...the release. Like the two year old hanging onto the trophy, we relish whatever it was that the catch gave us, good or bad for what ever reason. It is hard to willingly give things up for the idea of release. Fearing the void of what the release may give us. The space of unknown that will be open, empty and wanting. It can be frightening or exciting. The unknown. The empty. It can leaves us second guessing ourselves. Did we need that, will we need that, is that somehow intrinsically good deep down inside? Will it be re-usable? Should we recycle on some level? Will someone else want it? Then the moment of truth comes to us and we must choose to listen to its voice..."should I keep it or get rid of it?". Is it the smell, the feel or the emotion starting to stink? Can we sustain the life of the catch to remain in its perfect original condition? Now for so much processing a small jolt of energy can cause us to release our grasp be it emotional or physical. Deep breath! And exhale...Release!

Making space. Making space is just that. Creating! Creating the possibilities for more of something. More emotions, things, feelings. Is more better? Is it scarier? Do we really want more? Is this the two year old wanting more? Wanting what is mine? Or just doing what comes to us in our journey of life...Catch and Release! Ahhhh! I must clean out the freezer of fish and catch some new ones. Salmon for dinner tonight!

Ode to Mom... September 8th, 1932

It is Saturday morning. It rains with a continual pace. I forgot to bring in the cushions from the deck last night so they are soaked this morning after a night full of rain. Yes it is coffee time. I haven't had mine yet but the inner voice of a caffeine addicted woman on a Saturday morning is banging on the walls of my head. Coffee, chocolate flavored coffee! Someone in the Coffee Universe of coffee flavor creating Gods knows my Achilles heel! Yes it will be that indeed...Double Dutch Chocolate Coffee! With creamer!

How did my Mom ever survive raising five kids without the aid of flavored coffees and martinis? She had to have her martinis and coffee straight! Astounding to me! Mom turns 77 this week. Tuesday to be exact. How do you really tell someone of such magnitude the impact they have in your lives in the people you see? I think she would be amazed if she knew how many times I have had her with me in the office, teaching, public speaking, shopping (of course), in the kitchen even at the gas station without her ever being physically with me. Growing up she was a forced to be reckoned with and the safest lap I knew when all was at a loss. Still a wondrous woman!


So I am reflective of her this weekend. Not just because it is "Labor day" weekend...that in itself should honor moms too for other reasons. (I can save that for another blog this weekend!) The reason is to examine my mom thus helps me to examine myself. Has it ever happened to you where you are talking to your kids and then somewhere in there we realize your mother's voice is coming out of our mouth and we are stopped dead in our tracks. Was that my mother's voice? Somewhere in my brain there was a message that came out like autopilot and made me inventory the room for my mother's presence. Perrhaps that is something that just the women in the world are confronted with. Oh my God! I think I swore at fourteen I would never be like my mother! Not only am I like her, I sound like her and it is terrifying. Is it that 14 years old trapped inside of me recognizing my mother's voice, her idioms, her euphemisms? I used to wonder why she could do such wondrous things with idioms and crossword puzzles. She grew up without television.(I never watch it anymore ...no time that is telling!) She is well read and educated and holds her own in a conversation as well as at dinner parties. Truly a Renaissance woman! Good for me she was raised on a farm. I never used to think that was a great thing but now looking back I was so lucky. I learned from a woman who could do anything. Then if she couldn't do it she sure as hell knew how to find someone to do it or she would figure it out herself. She is a resourceful one that supermom of mine. I am thinking of her and the parts of me that are her. I am thinking that about the contributions to my world that are a direct or indirect ripple from her.

So here it is the mantra for the day...slow down! Stay away from the authority(don't speed when driving to the mall?), listen to the rain. Know everything is as it should be. Be mindful and grateful of what gifts you have been given, time, people to love and the space to become a better person. Mindful. Thanks Mom! Chocolate cofee awaits!

Optimisim

Fall is here. I know. The trees started changing colors, it is darker, earlier and the kids will be back in school before I can blink. Sleeping with the window open is so comfy when all the comforters are in place and not kicked on the floor. The stars are out more or is it just the sky seems so dark and it is easier to shine in dark times for stars. I think that is important to note!

Daily horoscopes, intuition, the season of reviews. Fall is so reflective. Changes coming. It is easier to handle what I can see coming. Knowing where the bullets come from in life makes it easier to dodge.

I am recalling that Fall as a season has always been a happy one. I used to think it was because of the new clothes for back to school or the new pair of shoes I got as a kid. I remember the smell of a fresh ream of notebook paper and erasers when we got new school supplies. How privileged I was to have new school supplies. Many children all over the world do not. I never thought about that while I was growing up.

That reminds me...

There always was that parental comment to remind me to eat because there were children in third world countries that would kill for the food I was turning my nose up at! I knew all too well that statement was true having grown up in southeast Asia, I had even played with those kids in the streets of Bangkok. It still didn't make me like to eat Lima beans, Brussels sprouts and canned peas.

It is Friday so I will continue to fill more moments remembering my dreams from the night. My thoughts of tomorrow and especially my smells and sights of Fall from the moment. I am grateful for the dusty smell of fall leaves, new erasers, new shoes and a cool night to sleep in.

Thursday's Child

At the onset of the morning I am greeted witht he challenge to remember my dreams. I have spent great efforts to remember them to journal them but am finding that one word descriptions can not capture the events places and action in my dreams. This week the themes were similar. Places of strange architechure, people I don't remember knowing and comments that were random and unrelated to my now. So the test for me is to remember the similarities and hope the clarity will come to me.

It rained through the night. The comfort the sound of the rain gives me is better than the sound of the surf. Lucky to be in the northwest where that comfort is plentiful and not threatening as it was in the midwest. Sound marks time in my mind. I can let it slip by if I am not listening. Knowing the night is passing when it rains is comforting but sad when I want more sleep, more rest and more escape. Today is feeling like a blue jean day. Saddly I can not wear blue jeans to work today. A denim skirt will be the closest thing. The feel of blue jeans is also a comfort. I will save that for another day's blog.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to work I go!

For the moment...

Is there a space in one's day for all the right things? I found a moment here and there but it seemed to escape my thoughts when emails popped up or the phone rang.

I was so tired yesterday that I forgot to take the trash out. I forgot to remind myself to remember to do something. How ludicrous is that?

Now after a full night's sleep I know some more limits. Can there actually be some sense of comfort in insanity? Temporary or permanent? Merlot induced or just exhaustion? I am happy to know that it gets better with age...insanity and wine! But like all great things we can't save it we must use it and act upon it. Someone told me recently to not keep my wine too long or it would just turn to vinegar. Is that true for all good things? Love as well? Spend it enjoy it share it relish it? Pass it on? Leave a bit for inheritance.

It is a good night tonight and I am sure tomorrow will bring more good things. I feel lucky each day and know it is due in great parts to my outlook. I set the stage, the tone and the rhythm and have the great expectations that things in the Universe will line up and come into place. I know I have much to do and much to create. So much to work on and share and put out there in the Universe.

Thank you Universe! Thank you friends, thank you family. I am humbled! great things are coming!