I get you...Ode to Dad

Dear Dad,

I know sometimes being in your skin must feel difficult. The path you have chosen has been rough, sad and sometimes overwhelming. You stand so tall and so valiantly in my eyes I don't think I have ever expressed how I truly felt growing up in your shadow.

I want to say first off...I get you!

At a tender age of eight, you were a stranger. Your career took you away from my daily routine. I relished in the time I got to sit in your lap or to ride along with you on an errand. I remember walking beside you, running to keep up with your stride. Your six foot seven in frame walked with determination and purpose. For every one step of yours I had to take three to stay by your side. I thought you walked too fast. That I was just not going to be able to catch up. I remember thinking "My dad is the tallest man in the world!". You were, in my world. I was proud to be able to say that to my school mates.

I remember thinking you were less than cool in public at fourteen. I used to shudder at the idea of having to sit next to you. I didn't realize you wanted to be with me. I thought you were punishing me. I miss being able to sit next to you now. As a mom I now get it because my own teenager doesn't want to sit next to me. I get you.

I thought the Army didn't teach you to sing very well and later it occurred to me that you sang differently because your song was one of work. It was not one made for a choir in church but a choir of a warrior clinging to their faith. I always thought that your heartfelt National Anthem in church on Sunday near the forth of July was your best performance ever! I get you.

I know now the worry you and Mom silently endured over my escapades and choices. I see that you had seen the world at it's rawest, truest, grittiest form when you worried about me and my life. I get you.

I know how much I dreaded summers as a teen when I couldn't escape to a summer job. That meant I had to work with you, doing tasks like hanging sheet rock, shingling the roof, volunteering in the community, traveling with you on a campaign trail, mowing the lawn and pulling up bushes to make our home more livable. Now I am so grateful for the knowledge of how to replace a fixture, shingle, change the oil, greet a stranger, put on a smiling face and offer my hand in community service. Back then I thought those things were so trivial, not going to amount to much like the Algebra in school I would never use. Boy was I wrong. Those things took my life and shaped me in ways I can not count.

For a man who was often working, gone to foreign countries during my early years, you have left a love of my country, a respect for my freedom and a desire to believe in the betterment of mankind as a whole. I know as an adult now the journey you trod, the roles and responsibilities you bore and I get you.

Thank you for being who you are. Thank you for instilling in me the values of your heart. Thank you for showing me I was loved in the best way you could. Thank you for being a veteran. Thank you for the value that lifestyle gave me and shaped me. Your work in me continues daily, each time I meet someone, raise my children and be who I need to be.

I am proud of you in so many ways. I have a deeper love and deeper respect for you now than ever before. I am again humbled to walk in your path. For every one step you take the world demands three steps from me yet again because of it's complexities. Your step training has prepared me well. Like an athlete to be the parent of endurance, value, integrity and love. I know now what I didn't know then. Thank you for being my Dad and the Veteran of my life!

I get you! Thank you Vet! Thank you Dad!

Leap of Faith

It is Monday. I haven't written and feel the impact of my neglect. I have longed to write but have not. I have felt my heart toss and turn and writhe in confusion and fear. A new week and looking back I have been fighting the good fight. The battle over apathy, fear and stagnation. It is a new moon and one of great promise for me, my life and my loved ones. I know that I have to see the next step as a human to know where I will go, what will happen and how things will end up. It is as if the basement light is broken and I need to go down into the dark to fix it. The need of knowing that one step is still there as it has always been.

So here we go. Taking the leap of faith. Knowing I am just one step away from the dreams of my heart and the design of my life and soul.

I remember my Mom telling me to "Fish or cut bait", "Shit or get off the pot", "Move it or lose it". She was raised by parents who were farmers and the wisdom of idioms were readily shared from their generation to ours and now on to my own children. It was always so powerful of a feeling to understand my Mom's idioms and wisdom. When I got it I felt like a genius. I can hear her telling me that it will be okay, better than okay, if I would just get up, "pull myself up by my bootstraps" and get moving. At this age, I cherish this insight and the resonating voice of my mother in my head at times like this. I see my Mom's hand when I touch my children and serve them. I hear my Mom's words come out of my mouth. I can feel her hug when I am fearful. How powerful, how personal, how intimate.

So here goes, the leap of faith. Taking a deep breath and knowing the water might be cold, the fall might be scary, I might be a bit disoriented when I land but, it all will work out. I am grateful for this knowledge. I am sure there will be a story to tell someday about the adventure. Something I can embellish for my grand kids and to relish for my own accomplishments.

I am closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. Ready, set, go! I am leaping into my choices and into my hearts dream. There is much I am feeling.

Thanks Mom! I hope my children can see the faith and feel the legacy and know the power that they hold. I am grateful for the opportunity to create, live and leap! Yeee Haaaw!