In a room full of company...

There was this moment when I stopped talking and thought internally about the reality of the moment. I had my best sweater on. I knew my hair was clean, I knew I was presentable but something still drove the mental vehicle out of control. Here we are in a room full of company, not strangers, not alien, in a comfortable setting, familiar surroundings. Just talking choosing our words carefully and minding many aspects of our humanity. Does our breath smell, is my lipstick on straight, did I remember deodorant? Does she understand what I am saying? How can he say that and not understand the impact on what I am feeling? Where is that quiet? How can that be held? The holidays are here and yet we are not alone. Not really alone with our thoughts and our feelings. We are never as truly vigilant as we are are among those in our family and friends and people who know us most or more.

In a room full of strangers the inner dialogue continues but with a different spin. Do I look like that? I wouldn't want to be with them too long. How does she do it? Where is the sanity for this person? Are they always so negative? Is it just a place of constant downer? Can they not find happiness in anything? Do they know how hard it is to focus on their story? Good thing thing they don't know what I am really like when I loose my cool! Sigh!

It is easier to be in a room full of company or strangers sometimes than to be in a room alone, by myself and with myself. I think that it is a distraction from the self analysis we endure to be in a room full of company. Aren't we our own worst critic? Aren't we the one person on the entire earth that truly knows what we are capable of, what we should measure up to? Aren't we the one person who knows best how to take care of ourselves but we fail to listen. Fail to breath life into the conversation with ourselves. For fear? For lack of conversation? For a loss of words? For the void of feeling? Can we just listen? Feel and breath into each thought feeling and action? Knowing we were created for this purpose and many more? Knowing that each and everything happens for a reason. Each thought, each action, each feeling and they are all somehow intrinsically connected? I am learning to feel at home in my own skin and in my own thoughts. I am thankful for the silence that is in my life and also grateful for the noise as well. I will celebrate them both! Cheers!