Hiding from Humanity

"Humans are not by nature kings, or lords, or courtiers, or rich. All are born naked and poor; all are subject to the miseries of life, to sorrows, ills, needs, and pains of every kind. Finally all are condemned to death....it is the weakness of the human being that makes us sociable; it is our common miseries that turn our hearts to humanity; we would owe humanity nothing if we were not human. Every attachment is a sign of insufficiency.  If each of us had no need of others, he would hardly think of uniting himself with them. Thus from our weakness, our fragile happiness is born....I do not conceive how someone who needs nothing can love anything. I do not conceive how someone who loves nothing can be happy." -Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, Book IV

These are the days of late that I am fearing my own humanity and  learning to embrace it.  Much of my hiding from humanity has previously been for hiding my shame or my differences from others view. All along I had no idea how much I hid my own humanity from myself.

Yes there was my own innocence in knowing my own strengths and weaknesses. I also didn't know my own level of fragility.  I scorned other easily in my mind as a naive human.  Failing to see my own faults and fearing the discovery of mine by others. Yet there were moments when my pause in front of a mirror was longer than expected.  I had paused long enough to see that there was some self sabotage in my thinking.  As long as I continued to think I wasn't enough or not right, then I would be so absorbed in my inadequacies that I would fail to see my good parts.  The good parts, the pieces of divine that remained in me that others saw easier than I did.  What others felt in my touch, my words and my actions. I know that those once considered small good parts have grown colossal in the past five years in the shedding of the shame.  I have embraced the strength and mind of the woman I am.  I am still acutely aware that, that woman is more than a mouthful for the average human to handle. I felt different growing up and strangely aware that I was hard to understand or tolerate.  My passions were too big, my thoughts and ideas were too bold.  My presence was more than most could fathom. Too much sensuality, too much opinion, too much sensitivity for the moment.  Too much wonder at the idea of life and our human condition.  Now I know why it was too much for them, because it was an intense reflection of my spirit contained in a human form.  The rawness of the human experience draws on my limited capacity to love and accept imperfection. Tempered in time now, I can find solace in the quiet moments of my cave, hiding from humanity, my own and the rest of the world's.  Now I can say to myself "so what?"!  So what that I am too much, so what that I am too large to loud too passionate, too sensual, too sexual, too feminine, too intense, too wrong, too right, too tall but still just right! It is in hiding that I can shed the frustration and impatience of the progress of the world on so many levels.  Alas I can not shed the frustration and impatience of the slow speed of my own progress and development in my hiding from the world.  The weekend brings me solace and respite from the savage pace of my human condition in a modern world.  I am but a hamster on a wheel the rest of the week.  Allowance for breathing, thinking and feeling is not a weekday luxury. It is only a luxury that comes on the weekend.  Thus hiding from humanity is also embracing my own humanity.  Listening to my breaths and finding solace in my fragility.  Recharging my spiritual battery to a level of power.  Healing me and regenerating the divinity in my being. Looking at the deep dark self to see the light. Letting the pain out in the open with brutal honesty.  Asking the hard questions this time. Sitting in the shadow realms where no one wants to go. Learning it is a nurturing place and a skill of goddess, Wonder WomAnn power to wrestle, the who, the what and the why of my human nature.  Fulfilling my purpose here on this earth, accepting the revolutionary nature of the spirit encased in human form. Ahhh! It is like a tub full of extremely hot bath water that is painful and soothing all in the same moment. Soaking in the completeness of me this weekend!