Emotional Bank accounts

This morning I lay awake and wondered how it was that I survived all these years with my secrets stuffed deep inside me. Years of crushing heartaches, fear and low self esteem kept me afraid to face the secrets. Secrets have a way of rising to the surface under the moonlight! How could I possibly have made a deal with my unconscious to hide them from me?  What kind of conversation was that?  It must have gone something very covert.
Ann- "Ugh, I don't ever want to think and feel like that again!"
Unconscious Mind- "We can arrange that! It is quite simple really.  I will protect you from that and you can go on with your life without ever having to relive that."  After the deal was made that seven year old little girl went on her merry way. Never looking back, never having to feel those painful memories again. 
Time went on, fear resurfaced in another costume, trust was fleeting, I wanted it so badly I projected it onto people in my life that truly didn't have the capacity to be trusted.  How very vulnerable, how very human of me.
What would I have done if in fact I had slowed down long enough to listen and screen those in my life.  Looking for the genuine trust and trust ability, I could have screened them much like a job candidate has references checked, a loan application, loaning my heart to an applicant.  I never did a background soul check.
Left without the means to recover from those emotional mishaps and heart breaks, bankrupt once again in the emotional and spiritual savings account.  There was no guaranty to recover my lost investment.  These were not losses that were deductions on my taxed soul.
Knowing that this was a long term loss and one that no one could replace for me.  There was no bail out for my soul and my life. This was just that literal loss of joy.
Now looking back I have regained my investment by investing in myself, my mind, my body, my heart and my awareness of me.  Surely I couldn't have recovered it in its original form. Now my soul's fiscal recovery act has been in the recent years of action. Undoing the devastation of a soul's heart of fiscal irresponsibility.
Do something for thirty days and it becomes a habit, do something for thirty years and it becomes a lifestyle.  Right or wrong, it is still the past and it is still mine.  I won't throw it out with the bath water. There is a lesson in it that catches my thoughts often. Remembering is the pill to change what was bitter and painful.