For Humanity's sake!

What just happened to me doesn't reflect the depth of the impact on the soul.  For what I am feeling and knowing and remembering, I am still not, breathing into my own experience of the moment called "NOW"! 
How can I create that tether to bring myself back into the moment of now and to consciously work on the wounds of who I am and how I should take the next step forward?  Sitting quietly is not enough.  Listening to the air swim by to the accompaniment of my "yes, but..." and wondering how do I hear more deeply, feel more deeply and to process the inner formula of the change that is washing over me.
My wonderment is powerful and fragile. Keeping in line with the inner child. My soul longs for the presence of knowing, yet is unable to recognize the knowing in now.
Afraid of the shame, the self judgment and most importantly the value of the self in society's eyes.
What I have done up till now does not define me and my reality anymore. It is the reality of constructing in the moment that allows me to breathe into my soul.  Taking long breaths and sitting still for a moment before my consciousness takes over the wheel of my mind and its forthought.

Where is that porch swing in my mind to sit and ponder?  Back and forth and back and forth bringing rhythm to my consciousness lulling me into the trance that allows for my breathe to slow down, my thoughts to loosen up and bring a state of stillness.  Stillness in my souls inner closet. Counting toes and fingers from the battle and bringing inventory of things let go and lost. Also celebrating the victories and gains and scars. Getting to the present inventory gives a sense of relief and pride.
Another deep breath brings a widened eye, to a wider scope to the scope of my view.  Seeing behind and seeing forward has clearer acuity for me now. In this moment and with this thought and that feeling I am able to know , I am just where I should be I am exactly as I designed it to be in this moment and in this place and in this lifetime.  Feeling and reeling from the real me.
I am done shedding and am not ready to grow into the new me, the new size, the new color and especially the new life of an aware sould, waking to the now. 

Sometimes the sadness for those left behind, confused in their reality brings a furrowed brow to my face.  It is for me to know the purpose of that role has passed and given me a place of reflection and a gift of recognition to my soul's view of the me and the reality for the place we all must arrive at is here.

What if...? what if I don't want to?  What if I don't like it when I get there? What if it doesn't fit and has no resonating similarity for my soul?  In a matter of speaking it is just what I must do.  Taking the first step and knowing that out of my specifically designed plan, I must have that next step. Nothing can stop me from taking the next step in the path.  The momentum has already started and I am hard wired to follow through.