Owning it, naming it and dealing with it!

I was that good girl. The one who was told to be grateful for what I got.  I was supposed to take it, smile and play nice.  I wanted grape, instead I got lemon.  It isn't good enough. I wasn't truly happy. I felt slighted and cheated to my true self. A big sigh of frustration escaped my mouth. It was better than nothing.  Semi-satisfied in the life of what was drawn out for me. Measured, how other people saw fit to their paradigm of what should be.
That was how it spelled out in each marriage, in each relationship and in each business interaction.  Do the right(aka nice) thing. Being acceptable to the present perspective of how a woman should act, behave and believe. I had no clue in how to ask for more. I had no idea that there was a voice that I could use out loud and not just in my head. Did other species like me actually get what they wanted? Did they speak up and get the very things their hearts desired?  Weren't they label and shunned. Did they shame their parents and family for stepping out of the nice and tidy box of femininity? Dishonor's threat always looming in the consciousness. Lurking and shaming us.  What a tremendous amount of power we were trained to yield up and give away. My own power and divine right, handed over unconsciously.

Being feminine in a world that longs for healing, nurturing and touch. Being able to give compassion and empathy with abandon.  That is a power in itself. Where is the rule that says women shouldn't be powerful?  The better question is "Why"?  The answer is "because they said so" or they truly didn't know the answer to my long held questions. "That's they way it has always been" and "that's the way it should be." Fear of not knowing. How dare we question their wisdom and place in society. We might see they did not have the power rightfully. We might actually see that the wizard is actually hiding behind the curtain, actually just a man or creature equal to our own. Being drawn out and finding ourselves in a place of lacking or not enough means weakness and fragility.  Of course it is easier to pretend than to allow for each of us to be co-creators and inhabitants in this realm.

Power is masculine. Power is not attractive in a woman. Power is manipulative when it is in a woman. Power is authority. Being powerful is prideful and pride is a sin. Powerful women are witches. Powerful women are not pure. Powerful woman are selfish. Being powerful is selfish and only men are allowed to be selfish. From the place of a child's curiosity of making sense of the world and  my place in it.  How do I fit into a background of conformity? How do I remain complete and whole in the face of shame for the divine gifts we are all given.
What happened to the healing rights in femininity? When one has the magic, light and the power to touch a soul and heal on a cellular level, it is of a divine design.  Where did the fear of femininity come from?  What wounded souls took it upon themselves to deny the rest of mankind the power of balance and femininity? The wizard decided to step behind the curtain of falseness.  To upset the balance of power and equality. How sad could the Universe have been when humanity did this to an entire species. Stoicism is not conducive to the design of humankind.  Being tough is a function of our species, man and woman. It is not a lifestyle, despite what some people might believe today.
Fairly given to each soul. Empowered to the highest good.   Like elastic, power can surge and stretch. It is good for the soul to stretch the power and experience it in all its glory in the moments that this lifetime requires.  Operating without this power leaves our circuitry dampened and unable to clean and regenerate.
There is beauty in being fragile, there is strength in being fragile.  Imagining how it would feel to be strongly fragile or to have fragile strength. It is just the journey and not the destination.  Wondering what it would have been like to have been born a male into this lifetime.  Thinking that I might not have had the same chances, experiences but knowing my soul would feel the same about this imbalance of power.  Would I embrace my feminine side and celebrate my balance and love it and nurture it? That is the thing most heterosexual men fear. The fear of feminine power and love. That femininity is somehow demonized by our religion and culture and society.

Once you smell burnt popcorn the memory of it stays with you forever. Just as the feeling of injustice in power. Laughing out loud at myself. This is was the superhero dreams I had in my youth. My fascination with Wonder Woman, her strength, power and gifts to help humanity. Knowing that we are the justice league taking on the out of balance this species has disproportionally imposed on countless souls and generations. I need justice for the demonization of femininity and how it has impacted my identity and self esteem. It will be mine own, that justice that only I can serve. The justice that only I can take back, love and embrace! There is room in me for all that I am feminine, powerful and strong. It is great to be whole and balanced. Balancing and breathing.