In the Mist

For there is just one way to know how I think about myself. I listen to my heartbeat in the early hours of the morning.  To feel the rapid rise of body heat sear across my once cooled sleeping body, I know how to talk to myself in a still quiet moment.  I can consciously feel the air fill my nostrils in a great capacity for the first waking breath. Warm and wonderful. I am acutely aware of my forehead and spine.  I feel the life in my limbs as I stretch and move toes and fingers. No longer cooled from sleep, My body feels on fire with life and mindfulness.



I need to find the food for my hungering heart.  The longing of affirmation from within rolls through my empty head.  I am wondering and doubting myself to the degree of paranoia.  Haven't you already decided that this is your journey, your direction that you have come here to fulfill?  Yes it is. I remind myself of the agreement. The vision, now faded of who and what I will be shortly is clouded with doubt.  I am swinging at the clouds feverishly to clear the vision.  Sleepily trying to remember what it looked like in my dream.  Who was I in that image?  What did the mission appear like?  How will I recognize that I am at the right spot and in the right direction if I can't see through this foggy mist in my head?




I look for a light in my mind's eye to see clearer.  The mind's eye eludes me with colors of orange, blue and red.  Talking to myself, "Take a deep breathe, keep your eyes closed, breathing into my body relax your shoulders from the mantle of knowing what is to be next". Slowly the face surfaces in my mind's view.  First the definition of the eyes, then the mouth, the chin and flowing hair now appear.   I recognize my face and the character lines in it. Now I can feel the warmth on my face from the moment of being my happiest. I remember that feeling, when the sun shines through the cold mist.  I recognize that every cell in my body now resonates with this warmth glowing sunshine.  I felt like that pet that lies in the sunlight beams streaming in from a window.  I was at last clear and warm. I felt my head and heart relax. still breathing and mindful. I was clear on who I was and that my fear was unfounded as I was supported by the Universe to face this task with the strength and courage of a warrior and master.   Here it was, the calm knowing in a moment that I am exactly where I should be.  Doing what I should be, feeling just like I do and trusting the Universe to get me to the end of the road that I could not see.

Funny how I don't remember telling myself to let go and swing my legs out of bed but, I must have.  As soon as my feet hit the floor it was gone. The inner vision, as I opened my eyes it faded within seconds. "Damn it!", I loved how it felt and what it gave me. How cruel.  For that moment I had to put one foot in front of another and relish the lingering memory and warmth of knowing, feeling and sensing for the short period today.  I was hungry again. A day seems short in relation to the time.  I could wait till I lie my head back down again tonight or even tomorrow to return to that yummy resonating feeling, knowing and connected to myself and the Universe.  Or could I?

Peppers on my Skin

At first I thought is was just a bit annoying. Then as the seconds passed I realized it was terribly uncomfortable.  How had that touched me gone un-felt?  What was it that activated my senses at this point?  It was like a bad joke that I didn't quite get until after a great deal of time had passed. Awkward social shame and inner dialogue abound.

Now inflamed and irritated.  I found dwelling on it only made it worse for me. Each second was more painful and becoming increasing more irritating.  I felt as if someone had tricked me. I felt as if someone had made a fool of me. I missed the clue and now am paying for the ignorance and innocence.  My anger and frustration turned into stoicism.  I was tough, I could handle it. Endure the heartache once more, the inconvenient frustration, the darkening sadness was palatable in a moment.

Did I do something to deserve this? What kind of choice did I make in this? Conscious or unconscious.  Who would have known that I am highly allergic to the point of distress? Not I.

Like pepper absorbed into my skin. It burned all the way deep into my heart and into my mind.  I was sad, mad, frustrated, hurt and puzzled.  Who would be so cruel to do such a thing?  How could I alleviate the pain and irritation.  The sadness and madness were over-whelming and consuming.  My heart was aching as each minute went by and each breathe escaped my mouth.  The allergic reaction had reached a crucial point like that of a serpent's bite.  Parts of me were shutting down, extremities were numbing and loosing senses. How could I have been so ridiculously stupid to experience this again? I was lost in the pain and and sadness.  I needed to breathe and find my center. To let the reaction take its course and allow me "to ride the tide".  

Wasn't there a way to remedy this?  Finding another pain was always the course of action, distract myself from the symptom, avoid the diagnosis. I remember telling myself that "this was nothing" compared to the last time I had I has such an allergic reaction.  How easily I had forgotten the previous pain and gut wrenching aches and sadness.  I had opened my heart to the caustic possibility of another love.
There I stood again, holding my heart in one hand and my head in other hand.  Sobbing at the wrenching pain and burn.  There wasn't a universal balm available for this burn and ache. I had to do just what I had promised, I had to writhe in pain and understand my human-ness and humanity.  I had to allow my soul to feel that piece of pain and ache, it was my repeated requirement to attaining my advanced degree in humanities from the University of the Cosmos.  Was this one the final exam? Or just another semester under my belt?  As the pain subsides I can raise my head. 

The inflammation is reducing its presence on my soul.  I am reminded that this time I should be wary.  Keep them at an arm's distance.  Until a point, at which I will know, to let that heart forget its allergies and history of heartaches and pain.  This is my antidote, my saving balm, pouring my heart out and rebuilding it again.

Sweaty hands and pedaling as fast as I can!

The spin cycle is rapidly taking me to the place of dizziness.  Thanks to the rush of understanding this past week. I am finding it more enjoyable today.  Each moment I am reminding myself to breathe, hold on and just let go of the control I have spent my entire life chasing.  The craziness of it all kept me in the constant spin and orient setting. Forecast, trouble shoot and find out when the next tilt was coming was my brain's diligent weariness on a daily basis and sometimes hourly, even minute by minute.

There is such a buzz in my head now I am thinking there has to be music that can drown it out. Finding the calm in a storm and comfort in chaos is my new mantra. Choosing not to fear and give my energy to the fear of the future is a task that feels impossible.  It is like slipping on this emotional banana peel time and again while not remembering to look the sequential times I have fallen.


Having a plan and knowing how to count to ten has to be the answer to conquering my fears.  Even if the plan doesn't work out.  At least I have a plan.  There is comfort in that.  Being able to follow my heart and purpose is shaking up all of my  previously held strongholds of thought and expectation.

It feels like riding my bike without holding onto the handle bars as a kid.  Although I am gaining momentum and strength, I have to choose my exact time to completely let go.  First a few fingers, then one hand, then more fingers and lastly my remaining sweaty hand lifts and hovers above the handle bar ready to quickly grasp at the first indication of a bump, wobble or wind.
Leaning forward, allow my focus to tighten, gaining that inner trust.   Choosing to listen to myself. Feeling that thrill of accomplishment and confidence fill that once place of fear and doubt.  Sinking breaths of anxiety into breathing a lung full of mastery.

Fearing the fall is not an acceptable thought at this junction. Knowing that I will heal if I fall is paramount. Knowing the fall is worth the exhilaration and triumph is what holds my arms up and my focus tight.  Pedaling as fast as I can. Full moon cometh and my Zap Zone storm arises in the east.  Breathing, counting and pedaling with the wind in my hair.

The eclipse in me!

There it was, just silently occurring while I unpacked, cooked dinner and caught up from my trip to the woo woo of Sedona, Arizona with my girlfriend Kristina...the coveted eclipse.  The sky might have darkened a slight bit at home.  Others around the west coast saw it all and captured some wonderful photos. I longed to be able to see it happen. I longed to be able to know what it meant for me and my life.  How was this really a part of my life and whom was I becoming?  Under the mantle of mother, I missed it, under the overcast clouds of the rainy Pacific Northwest.  I saw the rain out my kitchen window on the Puget Sound. I saw the water splash up to meet the rain.  I saw the winds circle the trees laced in rain.  It was a dance that I was not dancing.

I felt it in a terrible longing kind of way.  When others would text me of their awe and wonder, I could only pour another glass of wine and think this was not how I wanted this part to end.  I wanted to see and feel and smell and relish in the knowing of the end of such an auspicious eclipse.  I expected moments of bizzarre knowing and voices telling me to know or do or be someone other than who I was. At this moment I was waiting, like I had before to see the real me, to feel the real me and know exactly what I had come here for and why.

Going to bed I felt just the same as it had the night before. Slept short and hard that night. Dreams abound and forgotten at morning light.  Then it occurred to me that this was the moment.  That moment after the eclipse, I found it as I stood in the mirror.  Was that really me in the mirror? Could that really be me with the sad eyes of green?  Should I have tried to cover those grey hairs in vanity or in courage?  I was there in my complete utter reality.  I saw the soul that I walk with everyday. The soul that cries and aches.  The soul that loves and is defeated at a heart ache. What an amazing moment. To see into our own soul and know of that spark of divinity and destiny.

That eclipse was just the beginning of the end.  The end of the nineteen year cycle of being a wife to my daughters' father, closing the chapter on that culture.  Seeing the history of the journey and knowing the peace that has given courage to pick up and go on.  Put on the big girl panties and see the world for what it was...it was just another step to completeness.  Smiling at myself in the mirror now, I look away for a quick second and forget who I was looking at.  Instantaneously, I am lost into the world of my life.  I looked away and saw only the floor that needed to be cleaned, the ring in the tub, the toilet that needed to be scrubbed, while the clocked ticked and the reality of my body, not my soul consumed my consciousness. Fleeting as it was, I stood looking around.  Wondering how to regain the glimpse into my spirit self.  Quieting my mind was a solution. The most difficult thing to accomplish in the rush of the morning with children arising in the house and making early morning sounds.  Again sitting at the vanity, putting on the make up that defines my profile, there it was, the glimpse I had longed for.  Who was that soul looking back at me?  How had I missed her for so many years? She was mysterious and amazing.  Striking and simply crafted for strength and beauty.  Harmonious in physical features.  How serendipitous that we would be so similar.    I recognized the striking pieces of the reflection. I saw the chin of my father, the eyes of sadness and longing.  The brown chestnut hair that was long and flowing and shining in the room light, yes that was my mother's hair.  I remember being told I resembled my Grandmother.  Hadn't thought about her in eons nor had I ever seen her in me, not until that moment, no as I hadn't had a reference for her in my memory.  Yet here she was, looking back at me in the mirror. Her grace and strength and my mother's grace and strength that I longed to know growing up.  My father's sensitive eyes and chin was there too! All of it was looking at me with wonder as I looked into my own soul.  Humbled at the fragility I saw.  How much strength and fragility could be contained within one creature at one moment, I was amazed.  I thought for a moment , "this must be how others see me!".

A moment of gentleness given to myself, in a moment, for only me to see.  My soul must have designed this moment, at just this time for me to have the longing satisfied and intensified. Like an instant crush, I wanted more. I could have stayed there longer hoping for more. I wanted deeply to know more of this woman, this creature that eluded me but others saw daily and readily.  How fragile I really was and yet in the sameness of that breath, how incredibly strong she was, monumentally upholding a standard and a promise.  Now the question guides me daily to seek her in thought and meditation. To understand her wisdom. To feel her beauty and sensuality.  To love her and only her in my thoughts and in my heart.  To cherish the creature that has brought me to this place. That soul in the mirror, that evolved woman and divinely incredible soul of strength, commitment, love and passion. To embrace the weakness that walks with my strength. To see and feel the humanity that shackles me.
Oh how I longed to have wings of an angel as a child. To be able to transition from one plane to another. To know that I wasn't truly trapped by the human-ness of this experience, this journey. My soul must have known who it was and that it would have to remain dormant until just the right moment in time and the right place in the journey to allow for my eyes to be peeled of the earth's veil and reveal itself.  I knew a soul remained inside of me but never knew I could see it, love it, know it and embrace it.  I only knew it had value to others and God.   It is really mine, just that, a gift to know myself in this incarnation. It makes me wonder how many lifetimes are wrapped up in this body and soul! What fragments did I keep from my other lifetimes and carry over to this one?  How amazing that it is just that! A compilation album of sorts. A buffet of universal and spiritual DNA brought into this life that I might be caught off cultural guard and shown a glimmer of the design of my self and my soul.

What an incredible eclipse it was...the eclipse of my soul and me, revealed in a moment to just me, stopping time and space.  I am humbled and truly in awe.  Thankful for the experience and longing for more and more. A daily eclipse of my soul and self.





If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the color of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could

For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star
Like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star
Like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
---
"Fragile" as written by Sting

Building the Crown Jewels: If the crown fits...Wear it!

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." -Buddha

Knowing about knowing has made me want more clarity. Not having a grasp on the knowing made me long for more. More than I could have ever expected in this lifetime.  There was many moments of doubt along the way. The "Hows" that always stopped me, just before the whens, wheres and whys.
I have pondered and lamented .  Forgetting I had the answers inside of me all along.  Those answers waiting to seep out of me into the world. To gain the voice, to be heard, seen and felt.  I now know that if a person wants that clarity they must gain it for them self.  There isn't an ashram to journey to or a mountain top to climb.  There is only the ashram on a mountain top inside my heart.  Thinking of all the time it took to get here. Deep in the cave of my heart.

Step by step, spiraling around the idea. Never looking down.  If I stop to look back I am daunted at the height and depth of the task.  This journey has been harder, more intense and more frightening than that of any other. Listening to my breathing, rhythmic and deep or shallow depending on the step. Hearing my own heart beat in my head, made me realize I was not alone.  My  heart was there with me and inside of me.  Making this journey with me at each beat, skip, flutter and step.

I was scared and fearful of listening to my heart, of knowing what it might tell me of its dark side.  No human wants to face the dark side of their own heart.  Would it hurt again?  I realized that it did hurt again and again. There was that dark creature that lived there in the hurt, like Gollum in the Lord of the Rings, relishing the knowing that pain made them feel alive and fearful of letting it go that once without it they might not feel alive. Cringing at the idea of light or allowing another moment in. Clinging to the memory, bringing it out on occasion to feel its bumps and jagged sharp shards.  Time has allowed wisdom to over-ride that creature.  Calming and soothing the creature.  Nurturing it to a place of distraction until the shards can be cleared away, forgotten and replaced by brilliant gleaming crystals of self love and forgiveness.

Inside of this heart lies the brilliant diamonds, those painful shards fired over time to reveal the jewels of love given and released. Hurts given and released. Jewels of a lifetime. A legacy to wonder how one would survive such torment and trials.  Fired by age and grace. I have realized that now my heart houses some of the finest jewels of a lifetime.  I now know that the light is what feeds these jewel's power and beauty. Owning those jewels is nothing to be ashamed of.  Making a crown for my heart to wear with grace.  I appreciate the trials, heartaches and jewels that adorn my crown of life.  They represent the growth and force of nature I have been in this lifetime.  No one can wear another's crown and shine as brightly.   It doesn't fit the breadth and capacity of another rulers head.
Will my children understand the magnitude of this crown of jewels?  The bleeding rubies, the deep green emeralds of youth, the brilliant diamonds of truest love placed in the heirloom of love and legacy.  Should they venture to become the jewel smith of their own hearts, they will understand this metaphor. Will they have an appreciation for the smithing of their heart shards into jewels with the knowing and example they have been given?  I know they can hold their head up to the weight of the crown of their own design.  Their apprenticeship has been awake.

Once the knowing of our journey shapes us, only then are we able to guide others on their journeys. Patience and determination. Step by step. Each day gains clarity and resilience. Today I will walk with my crown upon my heart and head. Kindly nurturing the next jewel into brilliance! Carrying on.