In the Mist

For there is just one way to know how I think about myself. I listen to my heartbeat in the early hours of the morning.  To feel the rapid rise of body heat sear across my once cooled sleeping body, I know how to talk to myself in a still quiet moment.  I can consciously feel the air fill my nostrils in a great capacity for the first waking breath. Warm and wonderful. I am acutely aware of my forehead and spine.  I feel the life in my limbs as I stretch and move toes and fingers. No longer cooled from sleep, My body feels on fire with life and mindfulness.



I need to find the food for my hungering heart.  The longing of affirmation from within rolls through my empty head.  I am wondering and doubting myself to the degree of paranoia.  Haven't you already decided that this is your journey, your direction that you have come here to fulfill?  Yes it is. I remind myself of the agreement. The vision, now faded of who and what I will be shortly is clouded with doubt.  I am swinging at the clouds feverishly to clear the vision.  Sleepily trying to remember what it looked like in my dream.  Who was I in that image?  What did the mission appear like?  How will I recognize that I am at the right spot and in the right direction if I can't see through this foggy mist in my head?




I look for a light in my mind's eye to see clearer.  The mind's eye eludes me with colors of orange, blue and red.  Talking to myself, "Take a deep breathe, keep your eyes closed, breathing into my body relax your shoulders from the mantle of knowing what is to be next". Slowly the face surfaces in my mind's view.  First the definition of the eyes, then the mouth, the chin and flowing hair now appear.   I recognize my face and the character lines in it. Now I can feel the warmth on my face from the moment of being my happiest. I remember that feeling, when the sun shines through the cold mist.  I recognize that every cell in my body now resonates with this warmth glowing sunshine.  I felt like that pet that lies in the sunlight beams streaming in from a window.  I was at last clear and warm. I felt my head and heart relax. still breathing and mindful. I was clear on who I was and that my fear was unfounded as I was supported by the Universe to face this task with the strength and courage of a warrior and master.   Here it was, the calm knowing in a moment that I am exactly where I should be.  Doing what I should be, feeling just like I do and trusting the Universe to get me to the end of the road that I could not see.

Funny how I don't remember telling myself to let go and swing my legs out of bed but, I must have.  As soon as my feet hit the floor it was gone. The inner vision, as I opened my eyes it faded within seconds. "Damn it!", I loved how it felt and what it gave me. How cruel.  For that moment I had to put one foot in front of another and relish the lingering memory and warmth of knowing, feeling and sensing for the short period today.  I was hungry again. A day seems short in relation to the time.  I could wait till I lie my head back down again tonight or even tomorrow to return to that yummy resonating feeling, knowing and connected to myself and the Universe.  Or could I?