"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." -Buddha
Knowing about knowing has made me want more clarity. Not having a grasp on the knowing made me long for more. More than I could have ever expected in this lifetime. There was many moments of doubt along the way. The "Hows" that always stopped me, just before the whens, wheres and whys.
I have pondered and lamented . Forgetting I had the answers inside of me all along. Those answers waiting to seep out of me into the world. To gain the voice, to be heard, seen and felt. I now know that if a person wants that clarity they must gain it for them self. There isn't an ashram to journey to or a mountain top to climb. There is only the ashram on a mountain top inside my heart. Thinking of all the time it took to get here. Deep in the cave of my heart.
Step by step, spiraling around the idea. Never looking down. If I stop to look back I am daunted at the height and depth of the task. This journey has been harder, more intense and more frightening than that of any other. Listening to my breathing, rhythmic and deep or shallow depending on the step. Hearing my own heart beat in my head, made me realize I was not alone. My heart was there with me and inside of me. Making this journey with me at each beat, skip, flutter and step.
I was scared and fearful of listening to my heart, of knowing what it might tell me of its dark side. No human wants to face the dark side of their own heart. Would it hurt again? I realized that it did hurt again and again. There was that dark creature that lived there in the hurt, like Gollum in the Lord of the Rings, relishing the knowing that pain made them feel alive and fearful of letting it go that once without it they might not feel alive. Cringing at the idea of light or allowing another moment in. Clinging to the memory, bringing it out on occasion to feel its bumps and jagged sharp shards. Time has allowed wisdom to over-ride that creature. Calming and soothing the creature. Nurturing it to a place of distraction until the shards can be cleared away, forgotten and replaced by brilliant gleaming crystals of self love and forgiveness.
Inside of this heart lies the brilliant diamonds, those painful shards fired over time to reveal the jewels of love given and released. Hurts given and released. Jewels of a lifetime. A legacy to wonder how one would survive such torment and trials. Fired by age and grace. I have realized that now my heart houses some of the finest jewels of a lifetime. I now know that the light is what feeds these jewel's power and beauty. Owning those jewels is nothing to be ashamed of. Making a crown for my heart to wear with grace. I appreciate the trials, heartaches and jewels that adorn my crown of life. They represent the growth and force of nature I have been in this lifetime. No one can wear another's crown and shine as brightly. It doesn't fit the breadth and capacity of another rulers head.
Will my children understand the magnitude of this crown of jewels? The bleeding rubies, the deep green emeralds of youth, the brilliant diamonds of truest love placed in the heirloom of love and legacy. Should they venture to become the jewel smith of their own hearts, they will understand this metaphor. Will they have an appreciation for the smithing of their heart shards into jewels with the knowing and example they have been given? I know they can hold their head up to the weight of the crown of their own design. Their apprenticeship has been awake.
Once the knowing of our journey shapes us, only then are we able to guide others on their journeys. Patience and determination. Step by step. Each day gains clarity and resilience. Today I will walk with my crown upon my heart and head. Kindly nurturing the next jewel into brilliance! Carrying on.
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