There it was, just silently occurring while I unpacked, cooked dinner and caught up from my trip to the woo woo of Sedona, Arizona with my girlfriend Kristina...the coveted eclipse. The sky might have darkened a slight bit at home. Others around the west coast saw it all and captured some wonderful photos. I longed to be able to see it happen. I longed to be able to know what it meant for me and my life. How was this really a part of my life and whom was I becoming? Under the mantle of mother, I missed it, under the overcast clouds of the rainy Pacific Northwest. I saw the rain out my kitchen window on the Puget Sound. I saw the water splash up to meet the rain. I saw the winds circle the trees laced in rain. It was a dance that I was not dancing.
I felt it in a terrible longing kind of way. When others would text me of their awe and wonder, I could only pour another glass of wine and think this was not how I wanted this part to end. I wanted to see and feel and smell and relish in the knowing of the end of such an auspicious eclipse. I expected moments of bizzarre knowing and voices telling me to know or do or be someone other than who I was. At this moment I was waiting, like I had before to see the real me, to feel the real me and know exactly what I had come here for and why.
Going to bed I felt just the same as it had the night before. Slept short and hard that night. Dreams abound and forgotten at morning light. Then it occurred to me that this was the moment. That moment after the eclipse, I found it as I stood in the mirror. Was that really me in the mirror? Could that really be me with the sad eyes of green? Should I have tried to cover those grey hairs in vanity or in courage? I was there in my complete utter reality. I saw the soul that I walk with everyday. The soul that cries and aches. The soul that loves and is defeated at a heart ache. What an amazing moment. To see into our own soul and know of that spark of divinity and destiny.
That eclipse was just the beginning of the end. The end of the nineteen year cycle of being a wife to my daughters' father, closing the chapter on that culture. Seeing the history of the journey and knowing the peace that has given courage to pick up and go on. Put on the big girl panties and see the world for what it was...it was just another step to completeness. Smiling at myself in the mirror now, I look away for a quick second and forget who I was looking at. Instantaneously, I am lost into the world of my life. I looked away and saw only the floor that needed to be cleaned, the ring in the tub, the toilet that needed to be scrubbed, while the clocked ticked and the reality of my body, not my soul consumed my consciousness. Fleeting as it was, I stood looking around. Wondering how to regain the glimpse into my spirit self. Quieting my mind was a solution. The most difficult thing to accomplish in the rush of the morning with children arising in the house and making early morning sounds. Again sitting at the vanity, putting on the make up that defines my profile, there it was, the glimpse I had longed for. Who was that soul looking back at me? How had I missed her for so many years? She was mysterious and amazing. Striking and simply crafted for strength and beauty. Harmonious in physical features. How serendipitous that we would be so similar. I recognized the striking pieces of the reflection. I saw the chin of my father, the eyes of sadness and longing. The brown chestnut hair that was long and flowing and shining in the room light, yes that was my mother's hair. I remember being told I resembled my Grandmother. Hadn't thought about her in eons nor had I ever seen her in me, not until that moment, no as I hadn't had a reference for her in my memory. Yet here she was, looking back at me in the mirror. Her grace and strength and my mother's grace and strength that I longed to know growing up. My father's sensitive eyes and chin was there too! All of it was looking at me with wonder as I looked into my own soul. Humbled at the fragility I saw. How much strength and fragility could be contained within one creature at one moment, I was amazed. I thought for a moment , "this must be how others see me!".
A moment of gentleness given to myself, in a moment, for only me to see. My soul must have designed this moment, at just this time for me to have the longing satisfied and intensified. Like an instant crush, I wanted more. I could have stayed there longer hoping for more. I wanted deeply to know more of this woman, this creature that eluded me but others saw daily and readily. How fragile I really was and yet in the sameness of that breath, how incredibly strong she was, monumentally upholding a standard and a promise. Now the question guides me daily to seek her in thought and meditation. To understand her wisdom. To feel her beauty and sensuality. To love her and only her in my thoughts and in my heart. To cherish the creature that has brought me to this place. That soul in the mirror, that evolved woman and divinely incredible soul of strength, commitment, love and passion. To embrace the weakness that walks with my strength. To see and feel the humanity that shackles me.
Oh how I longed to have wings of an angel as a child. To be able to transition from one plane to another. To know that I wasn't truly trapped by the human-ness of this experience, this journey. My soul must have known who it was and that it would have to remain dormant until just the right moment in time and the right place in the journey to allow for my eyes to be peeled of the earth's veil and reveal itself. I knew a soul remained inside of me but never knew I could see it, love it, know it and embrace it. I only knew it had value to others and God. It is really mine, just that, a gift to know myself in this incarnation. It makes me wonder how many lifetimes are wrapped up in this body and soul! What fragments did I keep from my other lifetimes and carry over to this one? How amazing that it is just that! A compilation album of sorts. A buffet of universal and spiritual DNA brought into this life that I might be caught off cultural guard and shown a glimmer of the design of my self and my soul.
What an incredible eclipse it was...the eclipse of my soul and me, revealed in a moment to just me, stopping time and space. I am humbled and truly in awe. Thankful for the experience and longing for more and more. A daily eclipse of my soul and self.
If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the color of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are
On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star
Like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star
Like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
How fragile we are
---
"Fragile" as written by Sting
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