I always thought I knew what it felt like to be me, at least within a scope of my life up until now seemed so defined and pragmatic. Now without a tempo, I am learning a new way to be in my skin. I felt so numb to my soul and could not see it separate from my self as a human.
Frightened by my own thinking, my lack of recognition of what has gotten me this far. It feels like the plot of a Marvel super hero story line that takes the awakening of a human once given a frame of normalcy and tosses them into the realm of the unknown of their super powers. Living a mundane life of duty and roles, fulfilling each task before me with a confidence of limited power. I sat in my knowing and ignorance of who I really was and what I was to truly become, feel or do! I was limited in my lens, rose colored glasses in a sense of murky awareness.
I have felt things that shocked me in the past few months that I couldn't have imagined before. I have picked up on the energetic fingerprints of each individual I come across. Shocking to have that knowing. Difficult to step back from the fire of an other's story. Careful to breathe my way out of absorbing their sadness, their frustrations, their stories as my own. Like a fire, I try to not get burned by their energies.
The timing of my own heart, searching for answers and a higher knowing has kicked my consciousness to the front of the simple stage of this lifetime. I am no longer able to slip back into the previous form of being that I have been operating in. I am shaking and reshaping my inner and outer self to the tune of power, boundaries, integrity and ethics. Standing up to "The Man" and standing up to my truths of a higher self. With a rumbling and a thunder, I have to remind myself to breathe again as if I forget to do this on my own. I have the constant inner voice telling me that this moment and each moment are decisive in awareness.
What legacy and example am I setting for myself? Will they even understand the leap of faith and principles I now live by? Will it matter? I feel it might be pearls to swine. They could not possibly be ready to open their eyes and to feel the shocking part of this awareness. It is still my journey and I am compelled to complete it. Excited and scared at the same time. Happy and sad, almost melancholy to the past. Looking back does not serve me anymore since all of my intentions are now driving my mindfulness of defining who I am becoming today and tomorrow.
There isn't much left of what was in my previous beliefs. Now the inner sense is driving, striking and pushing to the surface. Shaping the me into another creature of relevance for the next step.
Like a creation of a somber piano piece, plucking away daily and trying to make a meaningful melody. Practicing the patterns and thoughts of the melody, my daily mindful playing starts to resemble a tune, and a new more complete melodic composition in tune with a spirit of creation. Finding the song in my soul. Bringing my song to music and adding its character is requiring my listening, feeling, feeding and nurturing my heart and mind in unison.
Stepping away from the past and the view of who I was is demanding the strength of a titan warrior, a super heroine's strength. Knowing it is okay to not know for the moment is good enough! Growth is painful but exhilarating.
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