Be Still my Soul!

Wondering at my humanity today.  Seeing the cracks of my imperfection and owning their divine perfection.
Leaving a note to my daughter, how can I say these things? Will you hear me and feel me? Are you able to sense the clarity? Please listen and feel and know how deeply you are loved and supported!

There is such wisdom that I don't even understand in this lifetime.  I remember from my past, laying on the sands on a beach in Moorea, Tahiti and cry my soul out to the melodic song of Pachelbel Cannon in D Minor on a loop from my Walkman tape cassette player.  Wanting and longing to know what will come of the future and what I will become as a person.  I felt so lost. I felt so frightened and alone. I longed to have someone tell me that this very longing to know was hardwired in me from the beginning. That challenge to think, to see and to feel. I was different that what I perceived my kind was.  Those that were in my family, those that were my peers. I was longing on a deeper level and in vibration to that journey's end! I was beautiful in my rawness and in my humanity. In tears and a sense of sadness, I was alone, on my own. No one to rescue me, no one to stop the pain and searing aches of growth and independence.  My fragility was divine just as designed. I longed for my knowing and my soul tribe.

Watching you grow has been amazing! Knowing your divine self is humbling. Thankful to be able to witness this and be mindful of it is earth shaking.  You walk differently, you carry your soul differently. I am proud of you and your journey.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpC8gQZT9HY

I get this life in a completely different way than I did at twenty-one, thirty or even yesterday's age of forty-nine.  I see my purpose with clarity only in looking at my past, my children and my community.  I see my fragility in listening to what others say and how I interpret the inner language of my disappointment in my present moment.

I now hear what I couldn't hear yesterday. I see what I couldn't see yesterday. I feel what I refused to yesterday. Each day it is given another opportunity to celebrate another chance. To allow for the process to flow over me and to be acutely aware of my human experience.

"Be Still, My Soul" by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.Hymn #651
The Lutheran Hymnal
Text: Psalm 46:10
Author: Catharine Amalia Dorothea von Schlegel, 1752, cento
Translated by: Jane Borthwick, 1855
Titled: "Stille, mein Wille"
Composer: Jean Sibelius, b. 1865, arr.
Tune: "Finlandia"

Emotional Bank accounts

This morning I lay awake and wondered how it was that I survived all these years with my secrets stuffed deep inside me. Years of crushing heartaches, fear and low self esteem kept me afraid to face the secrets. Secrets have a way of rising to the surface under the moonlight! How could I possibly have made a deal with my unconscious to hide them from me?  What kind of conversation was that?  It must have gone something very covert.
Ann- "Ugh, I don't ever want to think and feel like that again!"
Unconscious Mind- "We can arrange that! It is quite simple really.  I will protect you from that and you can go on with your life without ever having to relive that."  After the deal was made that seven year old little girl went on her merry way. Never looking back, never having to feel those painful memories again. 
Time went on, fear resurfaced in another costume, trust was fleeting, I wanted it so badly I projected it onto people in my life that truly didn't have the capacity to be trusted.  How very vulnerable, how very human of me.
What would I have done if in fact I had slowed down long enough to listen and screen those in my life.  Looking for the genuine trust and trust ability, I could have screened them much like a job candidate has references checked, a loan application, loaning my heart to an applicant.  I never did a background soul check.
Left without the means to recover from those emotional mishaps and heart breaks, bankrupt once again in the emotional and spiritual savings account.  There was no guaranty to recover my lost investment.  These were not losses that were deductions on my taxed soul.
Knowing that this was a long term loss and one that no one could replace for me.  There was no bail out for my soul and my life. This was just that literal loss of joy.
Now looking back I have regained my investment by investing in myself, my mind, my body, my heart and my awareness of me.  Surely I couldn't have recovered it in its original form. Now my soul's fiscal recovery act has been in the recent years of action. Undoing the devastation of a soul's heart of fiscal irresponsibility.
Do something for thirty days and it becomes a habit, do something for thirty years and it becomes a lifestyle.  Right or wrong, it is still the past and it is still mine.  I won't throw it out with the bath water. There is a lesson in it that catches my thoughts often. Remembering is the pill to change what was bitter and painful.

Finding My Muses

I woke this morning with this topic fresh in mind.  Who and what is my muse? I didn't really think about it much before now, so this is an unusual place for me. An honest and raw place that I feel compelled to go. Taking a big deep breath to launch my truths.

Where do I really get the inspirations for these blogs and any of my other writings? At first easily answered in saying that my muse is my pain.  The pain and sadness and frustration that surfaced during my journey. Being alone in facing my demons and having to listen to my heart while the Universe sets out a vibrational signal of code for me to follow.  That code is the communication of my guides, holding up a cosmic mirror to reflect the inner truths and rawness of my humanity.  The vibrational code much like the tones from the aliens that came to visit in the movie "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" with Richard Dreyfus. In that movie he struggles to make sense of the tonal melody that resonates in his being, until that fateful day that he is actually face to face with proof of higher intelligence and his own purpose of existence. 

Yes, I am feeling that vibration constantly. Trying to understand the song of my soul and the message in the ether's from the Universe to help me evolve or dissolve!  The message comes to me in pieces. Sometimes in my slumbers and sometimes in a flash, a moment, in the car, in the shower or in a discussion with a trusted friend. Not always the complete symphony or the short snappy tune I wish it would be.
Thus my painful, lamentings and writings come in pieces. I feel that the pain in my writing is too long, too often and over-rated. The drive of securing the emotion and letting it dwell within me with conscious intention is the reason for the writing. Avoidance of the raw is not acceptable in the growth process.  To become refined, the element must feel the heat of the refiners fire and hammer to evolve. Those are the strikes of pain and challenge for me. The heat ever increasing to take the misleading imperfections from my perceptions of my reality up to this point in my life. It was Sue Frederick that told me "Pain is fuel" and using it to bring the divine self into reality is our job. The pain is like jet fuel on some days driving me through lightening speed evolution, while other days the fuel is slow and dull as regular gas in a lawn mower plodding along in drudgery and duty. This pain is still pain, whether jet fuel or daily fuel that keeps me going and feeling alive, changing and working through my existence.

Then out of the blue, I am hit with a symphony of joy and knowing, a relief from the pressures of my pains, with a shot of joy.  That shot of joy makes it all worthwhile, all so do-able. When a smile is not enough, but only joyful tears are enough to do my soul justice.  Shaking, joy, bliss on a cellular level each rampant strand of energy shooting through my heart is more than electric. Sometimes it comes at the sight of the stunning Pacific Northwest mountains, sometimes seeing a full moon through the tall noble firs at night.  Then others it comes from  somewhere within me and within my soul that was always there and I had not allowed it to surface to my consciousness. Keeping it repressed, kind of like a root cellar waiting for me to slow down and throw open the doors to allow the light into my soul and consciousness. Breathing air and light into the darkness of my soul and into my awareness. Seeing the dust release from my heart and mind, as it sprinkles around and in between the rays of sunlight and moonlight.

As if passion were a pill one could take, I would have a complete prescription for a daily dose. Regulated by my society and tempered by the food and drug administration. But alas, I do not have the dosage right by society's standards. "Too passionate" was the feedback I got from a past job interview. I laugh at it now thinking back, how unbridled I was when I spoke from my heart and yet those in the midst of it most couldn't handle my passion. The volume was too loud, too high and too real. It is funny now to see how I tempered it to fit, to be salable to those around me. I used the passion of my journey to evolve within an industry that was in no way ready for the divine passion I have been designed to fulfill.  I know now ,that my light is more than some can handle. I know stepping into my truth, that I am designed specifically to be the strong passionate creature of my own evolution. No bars, no template to keep me in. Whether it be pain or joy or fury of passion, it is just as it should be. Inspiring myself, my soul, my consciousness to stand tall in its place and bringing my awareness into the front of the world. Free at last to radiate the purpose of  what my heart longs to be. That unbridled creature by design with complete power and love. Showing myself the deepest forgiveness and compassion, I have wrapped my arms around the pieces of me that were fractured, weak and sore. I am now seeing the complete vision of who I am to be.  I hear the symphony from my heart. Capable of dancing for the first time in my lifetime to the song of my soul and with joyful tears in my eyes and a heart bursting with passion that I can't describe.
Now the muse is within me rather without. I no longer have to wait for it to come to the surface. I am now rewritten to have a shortcut to my muses.

For Humanity's sake!

What just happened to me doesn't reflect the depth of the impact on the soul.  For what I am feeling and knowing and remembering, I am still not, breathing into my own experience of the moment called "NOW"! 
How can I create that tether to bring myself back into the moment of now and to consciously work on the wounds of who I am and how I should take the next step forward?  Sitting quietly is not enough.  Listening to the air swim by to the accompaniment of my "yes, but..." and wondering how do I hear more deeply, feel more deeply and to process the inner formula of the change that is washing over me.
My wonderment is powerful and fragile. Keeping in line with the inner child. My soul longs for the presence of knowing, yet is unable to recognize the knowing in now.
Afraid of the shame, the self judgment and most importantly the value of the self in society's eyes.
What I have done up till now does not define me and my reality anymore. It is the reality of constructing in the moment that allows me to breathe into my soul.  Taking long breaths and sitting still for a moment before my consciousness takes over the wheel of my mind and its forthought.

Where is that porch swing in my mind to sit and ponder?  Back and forth and back and forth bringing rhythm to my consciousness lulling me into the trance that allows for my breathe to slow down, my thoughts to loosen up and bring a state of stillness.  Stillness in my souls inner closet. Counting toes and fingers from the battle and bringing inventory of things let go and lost. Also celebrating the victories and gains and scars. Getting to the present inventory gives a sense of relief and pride.
Another deep breath brings a widened eye, to a wider scope to the scope of my view.  Seeing behind and seeing forward has clearer acuity for me now. In this moment and with this thought and that feeling I am able to know , I am just where I should be I am exactly as I designed it to be in this moment and in this place and in this lifetime.  Feeling and reeling from the real me.
I am done shedding and am not ready to grow into the new me, the new size, the new color and especially the new life of an aware sould, waking to the now. 

Sometimes the sadness for those left behind, confused in their reality brings a furrowed brow to my face.  It is for me to know the purpose of that role has passed and given me a place of reflection and a gift of recognition to my soul's view of the me and the reality for the place we all must arrive at is here.

What if...? what if I don't want to?  What if I don't like it when I get there? What if it doesn't fit and has no resonating similarity for my soul?  In a matter of speaking it is just what I must do.  Taking the first step and knowing that out of my specifically designed plan, I must have that next step. Nothing can stop me from taking the next step in the path.  The momentum has already started and I am hard wired to follow through.

Owning it, naming it and dealing with it!

I was that good girl. The one who was told to be grateful for what I got.  I was supposed to take it, smile and play nice.  I wanted grape, instead I got lemon.  It isn't good enough. I wasn't truly happy. I felt slighted and cheated to my true self. A big sigh of frustration escaped my mouth. It was better than nothing.  Semi-satisfied in the life of what was drawn out for me. Measured, how other people saw fit to their paradigm of what should be.
That was how it spelled out in each marriage, in each relationship and in each business interaction.  Do the right(aka nice) thing. Being acceptable to the present perspective of how a woman should act, behave and believe. I had no clue in how to ask for more. I had no idea that there was a voice that I could use out loud and not just in my head. Did other species like me actually get what they wanted? Did they speak up and get the very things their hearts desired?  Weren't they label and shunned. Did they shame their parents and family for stepping out of the nice and tidy box of femininity? Dishonor's threat always looming in the consciousness. Lurking and shaming us.  What a tremendous amount of power we were trained to yield up and give away. My own power and divine right, handed over unconsciously.

Being feminine in a world that longs for healing, nurturing and touch. Being able to give compassion and empathy with abandon.  That is a power in itself. Where is the rule that says women shouldn't be powerful?  The better question is "Why"?  The answer is "because they said so" or they truly didn't know the answer to my long held questions. "That's they way it has always been" and "that's the way it should be." Fear of not knowing. How dare we question their wisdom and place in society. We might see they did not have the power rightfully. We might actually see that the wizard is actually hiding behind the curtain, actually just a man or creature equal to our own. Being drawn out and finding ourselves in a place of lacking or not enough means weakness and fragility.  Of course it is easier to pretend than to allow for each of us to be co-creators and inhabitants in this realm.

Power is masculine. Power is not attractive in a woman. Power is manipulative when it is in a woman. Power is authority. Being powerful is prideful and pride is a sin. Powerful women are witches. Powerful women are not pure. Powerful woman are selfish. Being powerful is selfish and only men are allowed to be selfish. From the place of a child's curiosity of making sense of the world and  my place in it.  How do I fit into a background of conformity? How do I remain complete and whole in the face of shame for the divine gifts we are all given.
What happened to the healing rights in femininity? When one has the magic, light and the power to touch a soul and heal on a cellular level, it is of a divine design.  Where did the fear of femininity come from?  What wounded souls took it upon themselves to deny the rest of mankind the power of balance and femininity? The wizard decided to step behind the curtain of falseness.  To upset the balance of power and equality. How sad could the Universe have been when humanity did this to an entire species. Stoicism is not conducive to the design of humankind.  Being tough is a function of our species, man and woman. It is not a lifestyle, despite what some people might believe today.
Fairly given to each soul. Empowered to the highest good.   Like elastic, power can surge and stretch. It is good for the soul to stretch the power and experience it in all its glory in the moments that this lifetime requires.  Operating without this power leaves our circuitry dampened and unable to clean and regenerate.
There is beauty in being fragile, there is strength in being fragile.  Imagining how it would feel to be strongly fragile or to have fragile strength. It is just the journey and not the destination.  Wondering what it would have been like to have been born a male into this lifetime.  Thinking that I might not have had the same chances, experiences but knowing my soul would feel the same about this imbalance of power.  Would I embrace my feminine side and celebrate my balance and love it and nurture it? That is the thing most heterosexual men fear. The fear of feminine power and love. That femininity is somehow demonized by our religion and culture and society.

Once you smell burnt popcorn the memory of it stays with you forever. Just as the feeling of injustice in power. Laughing out loud at myself. This is was the superhero dreams I had in my youth. My fascination with Wonder Woman, her strength, power and gifts to help humanity. Knowing that we are the justice league taking on the out of balance this species has disproportionally imposed on countless souls and generations. I need justice for the demonization of femininity and how it has impacted my identity and self esteem. It will be mine own, that justice that only I can serve. The justice that only I can take back, love and embrace! There is room in me for all that I am feminine, powerful and strong. It is great to be whole and balanced. Balancing and breathing.

Even Super Heroes Swear! Favoring the f-bomb!

In a moment's time I am able to amass such calmness and bring forth the patience of a warrior, one with a long deep breath and focus.  Yet the moments of daily transformation often kick me for a minor loop.  Having to sit in my skin and realize this could actually be a moment like "Duh" and feel human again! Another deep sigh and then it comes to me.  The forgiveness for my humanity. Knowing that my strength is actually my fragility.  Once afraid of my own power, I couldn't see into the me that I was designed for. I wouldn't open my eyes to the possibility of greatness. Fearing the power, fearing the mantle of such design can terrify us all. Every man and every woman born into this life with blinders of destiny, shielded by religion, culture and our damage we have acquired along the way.

I have been infamously known for dropping a bomb here or there, the eternal "F" bomb. Once or twice at work, once or twice at church, once or twice in a place of reverence.  I realize of course that calling out our own sexuality with this singular word frightens more than 90 percent of my ancestors and peers today. Just because one uses the f-bomb doesn't always denote cognizant awareness of its meaning and origin. As time passes and one's intelligent and exposure increases, everyone can master the handling of such a powerful word. If you don't believe that then just imagine listening to a English language learner using the F-bomb for the first time and it will bring a smile to your face! Such a powerful word and yet so many know so little of it's power! 
"Are you sure you want to say that word?" doesn't get heard inside my head in the nanoseconds just before it's launch. There isn't a loud enough safety to stop me from saying it and sometimes I just laugh at the word and it's social construct so hardily that it brings me to tears.
I remember a time growing up when I heard my own Father use the f-bomb and the accompanying sign language or symbolic representation that is universally known. The Green Beret Colonel, man of steel and integrity and grace as an officer and a gentleman, showing his under belly and his humanity. Shock and amazement, awe and wonder! It was delivered in such a heavy angry tone. This was the first time I recognized my Father as a sexual creature, somehow showing his sexuality in the expression of a word so taboo.  I now look back and confidently knew he dropped the f-bomb throughout his life and his life away from us kids. I can imagine him during the Vietnam era using a daily diet of the f-bomb yet, never using it at home.  No, that would mean that he would admit to being a sexual creature, despite the evidence of him fathering five children miraculously.  Especially never in the presence of women and children. Super hero power!
You know ladies never say the f-bomb. Women confident in their language mastery have plenty of other words to use instead of the f-bomb. Masked in linguistic skill and religious and social constraints.  One can never admit the comprehension to the word, the word that defines our knowledge of our true sexuality. Growing up my mother never ever said the f-bomb. How she held it back while raising five kids nearly alone as a military wife and especially in foreign countries and among strange languages. Raised on an Ohio farm during the depression. The youngest of four children, my Mother had a saying that still resonates to this day, "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all!".  She certainly didn't acknowledge her ability to articulate her sexuality. My parents were perfectly paired in their era.  It wasn't until I became an adult did I ever hear my mother drop the f-bomb. I am sure it was part, awareness and part her reaching comfort in her maturity that the f-bomb even was able to surface.

I believe it was in high school there was a teacher at my high school that would accidentally drop the f-bomb during class. She was a beautifully sexy, vibrant and intelligent woman that had all girls and boys enamored by her skill, candor and her brilliance.  She had such swagger that we thought she was invincible. I know my classmates would remember her. I am sure our parents would label her a slut or trash because she didn't fit into their perceived role as teacher as defined by their generations. We knew then as kids to keep her openness a protected secret. Yes, among fellow students we relished the idea of a teacher that could transcend our generation with one word, with such style and candor. We almost revered her.  Perhaps we did in reality. This was something no one else in the adult world would use. I know we all intrinsically knew that revealing her humanity and ability to use the f-bomb was taboo, tattling and judging her. We actually celebrated it and realized the power of the f-bomb without knowing.  There was safety in the secret taboo. Keeping it from the system's ears and eyes. Keeping the power struggle of righteous dominion in check.  Allowing for humanity to surface without being bridled.
As time passes we can learn to explore the f-bomb.  Much like exploring our very own sexuality.  Using it in different settings, under different circumstances and in diverse company. Do we allow it launch to define us as a person, worthy or not, capable of being and doing differently? I say not. The best part about the f-bomb now is that that one word in the English language has the complexity of a masterpiece, in the right hands it can bring smiles and in the wrong hands it can elicit powerful fear.

 The bomb handler, is a delicate job. Each of us knows that how it has to be handled and delivery requires the skill of a technician deftly bringing timing, geographic, demographics and purposefulness into mastery. Yet even the young f-bomb handler can recall a mishandling event in their timeline and journey.  I remember laughing hysterically, almost peeing in my pants at moments when I or a close friends dropped the bomb in the most auspicious way. The reaction and delivery brought us to our knees.  At the moment it was powerful and precise. Like a true bomb, that brought us great joy and bliss. It wasn't slighted with shame or the deep dark taboo of sexual symbolism in our minds, although it may have well been shamefully taboo to the audience surrounding us. The f-bomb has no sense of stoicism or reverence. It is just what it was designed to be, without pretense and posturing. Raw, real and deeply human. Allowing the sensuality of its meaning to deliver more than the human condition can comprehend in its limited role. The limited role of repressed and shamed.  The power of one word strikes the world to it's core and brings humanity to even the greatest superhero! Oh yes, and by the way, welcome to earth and our own humanity!

A different fit, now a more tailored me!

Even with a deep breath, I couldn't make it feel like before. I knew instinctively that there was no turning back. I would never feel the same as I did just a few days ago. Everything was a bit different, my skin, my eyes, my breath. Yet there was this familiar part of this new feeling, this feeling of change. I have been in this change seat many times before. Change from child to young adult, from student to teacher then back to student again. Change from single to married to divorced. Change from fragile to strong then back to fragile again. Change from standing, to moving forward. I feel the reeling in my stand, like a pendulum in the master's hand. Circling and waving to the vibration of the Universe's signals. Back and forth, swinging with the tides of each new moon.
Partially by need, partially by inner drive, the change has come around and I am now standing in it with a full conscious awareness, hearing "it is about time"!  When I knew the change was coming I put it off, I lamented in it and hoping the lamenting would buy me time to avoid the pain.  Like the perfect parent of a child's journey, I was promptly guided to step forward. I was terribly afraid to breathe, open my eyes and my heart.  The Universe gently affirmed me, "That's right.  You are exactly where you chose to be, and for this purpose, you have come to now." My unconscious knows this deeply, nodding my head, I peered out of one eye, then opened the other shyly. Frightened by what I might see.  I saw the same view I had before the change, now it felt different. It felt fearless, and completely obtainable. Well within my power because my knowing had changed to be a knowing of comfort that the Universe was behind me 100% with all it's love and all of its power.  That power that was mine, there all along and designed for my journey, my joy and my bliss!  "There isn't any holding back now, Ann!  It is just as you asked. You had the power all along. Your fear was just that, the fear of your own power!"

There were those pangs of fear, anxiety and worry about how this would actually work. I longed to know what it would be like. I longed to have a vision for what would come. I wanted the vision immediately so that I could use that as my inner GPS system and ignore the inner dialogue running around in my skull.  Breathing into the vision is my daily task, breathing life into this, to ensure that it grows, that I am working and doing my part to ensure my life's mission, my life plan. This is the point, to be able to complete the agreement of my soul and my highest good.  Change the world, to make it lighter, brighter, softer and gentler.  Accepting the human condition and fragility, recognizing the inner me, the inner you. Taking that breath and knowing the soul's intention and desire is more than what most can ever articulate. Guiding us to find that soul's desire, reaching into the deepest darkest parts of the human condition to bring it up into the light. deep from within the well of our society's empty places.  Empty places created by judgment, power and greed.  When we sit and listen still to the inner voice, recognize the message, we can recognize the pattern of the signal of our inner radio guidance system, we are then able to tune in and resonate with the frequency of a higher message and a higher call.

Sometimes the energy of this frequency may seem unfamiliar.  It is the energetic resonance of the highest good, the Universal creator. It may seem foreign or scattering to our earthly frequencies of thought and knowing.  Finding the quiet place and showering in it is making time for Divine Feminine power.  Ground in this moment. Breathing into my vision and dreams and soul's agreement.
Being present there, here, all at once in the vastness of this experience. I am.

The power of two...

Two handed, I am holding onto this place in the Universe.
Two footed in a journey of unknown destination,
Two sides of the coin bringing chance into play.

Two peas in a pod gives me company,
Two minutes of meditation are better than none.
Two souls acknowledge the divine in each other.
Two thoughts create a pattern.

Two nights in Vegas makes a lifetime of memories.
Two fisted drinking in the world and its refreshing powers!

Two way,
To get.

Too cool.

Two timed.

Two dice,
To chance.

Two headed.
Too heady.

Two places at one time in a flash.
Too much too little.

Too late for regrets,
Two times as good,
Too much fun.

Two sides of the story,
To be or not to be.

Two faced,
too tired.

Too pooped.
Two bookends.

Two stories to tell.
Two heads are better than one.

To gaze too deep.
Two roads to Rome.

Double the pleasure,
Two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Today,
Tonight,
Tomorrow.

To infinity and beyond.
To the tune of,
To make a difference,
To believe.

Two servings, Seconds.
Double up.

To know and not act.

To win one's heart,
Two times the fun.

Two yolk egg,
Two places in a yoke.

Two shoes to journey,
Two nods of recognition.

Two strands in a helix.
Two types of people.

Two parts to each heart.
Two sides of the brain.

Two halves make a whole.
Too hot to handle.

To be continued.

Yee Haw!... what a ride this has been!

Remember that feeling, when you are all strapped in and the car starts to move forward and it makes that click-clacking sound vibrates every bone in your body? That sensation of forward movement and shaking and vibration of the movement and the energy in your veins and in your head. That is the moment of awareness.  Amazingly, it feels so much different than before. I longingly wanted to understand this frequency years before and now I find myself beyond understanding. I am finding harmony in this vibration. It is the harmony of a new individual that is bursting out of the old and emanating the light energy  that has been long hidden, hampered and squelched. Blinding, bold and shocking to look within.  How is it that I could fight this from coming out? Who is this person I am becoming? How is it that the world has kept this a big secret and controlled it with the reins of such power?  Astonishingly, it is in each of us.

It is a vibration of awareness of all shades of gray and all shades of color. With twists and turns and directional disorientation, I am experiencing this in a whole different way. This vibrational awareness is what is shocking my place into the Universe. Calling me to stand up and step forward.  Shaping me into the person I am destined to be.  Now science is the science of humanity not the science of the dark, unknown, it is a science of light. No longer serving falseness, this science of humanity united with spirituality, fully awake, fully alert, eyes and heart wide open and designed to keep us in our now state.  Creating, knowing, growing and placing the good vibrations in the parts of our world where they are rightfully designed to be.  Breaking the image of gloom and misunderstanding of ourselves, our relationships to each other and to the earth.

It is not the vibration of consciousness that I share with my family of origin, nor the vibration of my past, nor the vibration of those in my life that are in a vacuum state of need and fear.
Those vibrations are of an entirely different level. Much lower than this present state of awareness.  Those are the vibrational frequencies of shame, rage, anger and fear.  The vibrational frequency of "less than" or lack.

Some might wonder what I am doing to induce this level of vibrational change.  What are you taking to give you this awareness and attunement? How can you possibly know this is different from any other trip you have taken physically or emotionally and spiritually?  At the cellular level, my heart is broken wide open by the endless experiences of our humanity, our society and lack of awareness has trapped it in.  At the spiritual level, just like all other of my kind, have longed for the more, something more than our perception of what we had. Somewhere, hard wired into our existence that we are more, there is more, and that need for more.  More is better in this instance. Hearts and souls are awakening to the hang over. The gluttony of the binge of this present state to the morning after in our soul.   Now chemically needing, truth, love, integrity to nourish our soul, our body, our mind and more than ever the Universe!

Frighteningly, the roller-coaster ride of peaks and drops, my soul and consciousness screams in excitement and fear. Somehow hanging on with dear life and trusting my brain will remember to breathe in all of the upheaval. Looking around me at the other participants of this change, searching their hearts and faces for the similar awareness and experience. This only validates the thrill of the ride. This knowing and vibration of a continual ride for me is the best thing that has ever happened to my soul!

So retrograde it stings!

It has been said before, for me it was once like fire, like some colossal heat of great magnitude.  The pressure and heat of the Universe is on my soul. Here it is in the thick of yet another slow moment of Mercury Retrograde and I am learning to stand in it. Like that of a soul trying desperately to stand nearest to the hearth and gain warmth and nurturing, I stand in this place of changing my soul's temperature in evolution. While standing with the planet Mercury so close to the sun I am feeling this heat. I am realizing that this place is truly a powerful one. Next to the fires of this Universe, refining my metals as if to make a sword to cut through the parts of my past and forge into the future of the Aquarian age of differences reunited in mindfulness and consciousness.  How can this talented blacksmith know when the refined metal is complete and at its rawest form, all impurities seared away?  I am wondering the what is next in our steps. I know the notes in this opera as I hear them but couldn't predict what note comes next. 

I sit in the moment taking deep breaths, staying conscious holding fast to not pass out from the heat of this universal sauna I am amidst. Mindful of the impurities in my programming and society that are being sweat out and changing me on a cellular level and a spiritual level.  There isn't much that can step away untouched by this form of refining! Past lies, past perceptions, past grief, past lives, past loves, past memories and especially the past of knowing.  All of these are now changing, leaving their old form and redesigned by this great fire. Change at the subatomic level, deep in our soul's memory. Now feeling the impurities falling to the ground all around me.  I look down to see the old skin, the old habits, the old beliefs and their scars. Knowing how much they have served their purpose up until this point of the journey, now they are the pieces of me and the pieces of you that are no longer serving us.  The falseness is no longer able to hold on in the heat of this refiners fire! Has it been that much that has held me back? Haven't we had enough? It continues to fall down around me, some things claw at my ankles in fear, I try to hold on to them as they melt and fall away. I can no more grasp them and the disintegrate into ash and the ether.
 Having a lens now that can handle the heat, the power and the energy is a much different way of living, being able to see, know and feel that magnitude of evolution of one's soul and the world is the most powerful super hero size gift. Still maintaining my humanity with this awareness and lens is daunting during most days and nights.  Finding others in the fire with me, glancing inwardly, around ourselves with a knowing nod and thumbs up with a strained smile of love.  Getting through this is the super bowl championship of all eras, for all souls!

Who is it that is really holding on anymore?  How could one hold a hot searing piece of such power and magnitude in our evolution.
No, we must let go and breathe, stand by and sweat it out. Taking on the waves of refinement with grace and understanding is the key. Showing ourselves the greatest level of compassion and love, is at it's highest demand right now! Descending into our inner world of intuition, knowing and our essence of love is how we will withstand the heat, the pressure and transformative powers of this Mercury retrograde. There is no holding back, no holding on, we can not stop this process and we are not supposed to! There is beauty in this transformation of awe! Yes the kitchen of souls is hot, but no one will be allowed to escape it's heat by running away.
The sting is there. Bright and searing into my soul, into my so called life and perception of me up until now! At least the sting reminds me I am alive and not numbed by this time and trial. Yes I feel it and I am awake!

Finding the song of my soul!

I always thought I knew what it felt like to be me, at least within a scope of my life up until now seemed so defined and pragmatic. Now without a tempo, I am learning a new way to be in my skin.  I felt so numb to my soul and could not see it separate from my self as a human.
Frightened by my own thinking, my lack of recognition of what has gotten me this far. It feels like the plot of a Marvel super hero story line that takes the awakening of a human once given a frame of normalcy and tosses them into the realm of the unknown of their super powers. Living a mundane life of duty and roles, fulfilling each task before me with a confidence of limited power. I sat in my knowing and ignorance of who I really was and what I was to truly become, feel or do!   I was limited in my lens, rose colored glasses in a sense of murky awareness. 
I have felt things that shocked me in the past few months that I couldn't have imagined before. I have picked up on the energetic fingerprints of each individual I come across.  Shocking to have that knowing.  Difficult to step back from the fire of an other's story. Careful to breathe my way out of absorbing their sadness, their frustrations, their stories as my own. Like a fire, I try to not get burned by their energies.
The timing of my own heart, searching for answers and a higher knowing has kicked my consciousness to the front of the simple stage of this lifetime.  I am no longer able to slip back into the previous form of being that I have been operating in.  I am shaking and reshaping my inner and outer self to the tune of power, boundaries, integrity and ethics.  Standing up to "The Man" and standing up to my truths of a higher self.  With a rumbling and a thunder, I have to remind myself to breathe again as if I forget to do this on my own.  I have the constant inner voice telling me that this moment and each moment are decisive in awareness.
What legacy and example am I setting for myself?  Will they even understand the leap of faith and principles I now live by?  Will it matter? I feel it might be pearls to swine. They could not possibly be ready to open their eyes and to feel the shocking part of this awareness.  It is still my journey and I am compelled to complete it.  Excited and scared at the same time. Happy and sad, almost melancholy to the past.  Looking back does not serve me anymore since all of my intentions are now driving my mindfulness of defining who I am becoming today and tomorrow.
There isn't much left of what was in my previous beliefs.  Now the inner sense is driving, striking and pushing to the surface. Shaping the me into another creature of relevance for the next step.
Like a creation of a somber piano piece, plucking away daily and trying to make a meaningful melody.  Practicing the patterns and thoughts of the melody, my daily mindful playing starts to resemble a tune, and a new more complete melodic composition in tune with a spirit of creation.  Finding the song in my soul. Bringing my song to music and adding its character is requiring my listening, feeling, feeding and nurturing my heart and mind in unison.

Stepping away from the past and the view of who I was is demanding the strength of a titan warrior, a super heroine's strength.  Knowing it is okay to not know for the moment is good enough! Growth is painful but exhilarating.

Is It Happy Hour Yet?

At this point in a deep Mercury Retrograde, one has to ask themselves the million dollar question!  "Is it Happy Hour yet?"  Surely we have been waiting lifetimes to this point enduring all the changes and evolutions.  Finding courage to face yet another place to sit tight and accept the evolution of our souls and our Universe.

In the past five years I have sat through some pretty stressful pieces to my own evolution.  Shedding my skin, shedding my fears and woes.  Feeling that tender new skin that is fragile and strong all in the same flash of knowing. This kind of shedding is beautiful and yet painfully powerful.  Does the snake and other creatures laugh their way through their own shedding at the end of the season?  Does the mechanics of the laugh help the old skin shake loose and allow for the air to make contact with the new fragile skin new to the breath?  Are we much like that kind of shedding in this Mercurial biding of what is easy and known and what is instrumentally a habit of our humanity?  Isn't it so much easier to put on the old skin like a favorite pair of shoes.  Unfit for wear or for the journey ahead of us, this skin must be tossed aside.  Did you hear a giggle? I heard something, but am unsure of what it was.  It might have been a cry of longing for the familiar and easy.  Was it a soulful lament for the days that were predictable?  Now I am listening. Acutely aware. Is my soul aching or singing or both?  I know much of the journey and the trials and now it is the time of rebirth. New skin. Taking on the joy of newness and shape of happy.  Giggling with joy, happy in my element, finding the freshness of the fragility joyful. Wondrous and still sensitive.  I am new and I am evolving to the level of me that is beyond capacity to predict. Show me some skin, Show me some joy! Show me some sensitivity, show me your happy spot, that sweet spot of vulnerability to your own humanity and our Universal evolution of time and space.  Who you were yesterday, you will never be again! Who you are today is just a small fraction of what you will become to me, to yourself, and to the world.  Make it better, brighter, more real, more raw and more larger than life!  You are larger than life on earth! That is your comfort!

 

Here is our joy. Here is our happy! It is indeed happy hour! I will look around me today and the coming days to find others in the same fragile state of evolution. Mercurial shedding with a heaping tablespoon of Plutonic seasoning! I know you are out there oh fragile ones! I will find you and be drawn to you like the flecks of iron in the sand to a magnet of proportional power! I will find joy in your presence, like mindedness of change.  Forever seeking to love and experience the humanity of our purpose.  Teacher is the student and student is the teacher.  I know if I could but hear the butterfly whisper a laugh when it escapes painfully from the chrysalis, I would recognize my own voice in the Universe.

I am here right now in this moment in time and feeling the presence of my own soul in the vastness and dark and dreary world. Laughing my way into the happy hour of my new fragile strength. Searching, ever searching for the new skinned creatures of this time.

 

 

 

Hiding from Humanity

"Humans are not by nature kings, or lords, or courtiers, or rich. All are born naked and poor; all are subject to the miseries of life, to sorrows, ills, needs, and pains of every kind. Finally all are condemned to death....it is the weakness of the human being that makes us sociable; it is our common miseries that turn our hearts to humanity; we would owe humanity nothing if we were not human. Every attachment is a sign of insufficiency.  If each of us had no need of others, he would hardly think of uniting himself with them. Thus from our weakness, our fragile happiness is born....I do not conceive how someone who needs nothing can love anything. I do not conceive how someone who loves nothing can be happy." -Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Emile, Book IV

These are the days of late that I am fearing my own humanity and  learning to embrace it.  Much of my hiding from humanity has previously been for hiding my shame or my differences from others view. All along I had no idea how much I hid my own humanity from myself.

Yes there was my own innocence in knowing my own strengths and weaknesses. I also didn't know my own level of fragility.  I scorned other easily in my mind as a naive human.  Failing to see my own faults and fearing the discovery of mine by others. Yet there were moments when my pause in front of a mirror was longer than expected.  I had paused long enough to see that there was some self sabotage in my thinking.  As long as I continued to think I wasn't enough or not right, then I would be so absorbed in my inadequacies that I would fail to see my good parts.  The good parts, the pieces of divine that remained in me that others saw easier than I did.  What others felt in my touch, my words and my actions. I know that those once considered small good parts have grown colossal in the past five years in the shedding of the shame.  I have embraced the strength and mind of the woman I am.  I am still acutely aware that, that woman is more than a mouthful for the average human to handle. I felt different growing up and strangely aware that I was hard to understand or tolerate.  My passions were too big, my thoughts and ideas were too bold.  My presence was more than most could fathom. Too much sensuality, too much opinion, too much sensitivity for the moment.  Too much wonder at the idea of life and our human condition.  Now I know why it was too much for them, because it was an intense reflection of my spirit contained in a human form.  The rawness of the human experience draws on my limited capacity to love and accept imperfection. Tempered in time now, I can find solace in the quiet moments of my cave, hiding from humanity, my own and the rest of the world's.  Now I can say to myself "so what?"!  So what that I am too much, so what that I am too large to loud too passionate, too sensual, too sexual, too feminine, too intense, too wrong, too right, too tall but still just right! It is in hiding that I can shed the frustration and impatience of the progress of the world on so many levels.  Alas I can not shed the frustration and impatience of the slow speed of my own progress and development in my hiding from the world.  The weekend brings me solace and respite from the savage pace of my human condition in a modern world.  I am but a hamster on a wheel the rest of the week.  Allowance for breathing, thinking and feeling is not a weekday luxury. It is only a luxury that comes on the weekend.  Thus hiding from humanity is also embracing my own humanity.  Listening to my breaths and finding solace in my fragility.  Recharging my spiritual battery to a level of power.  Healing me and regenerating the divinity in my being. Looking at the deep dark self to see the light. Letting the pain out in the open with brutal honesty.  Asking the hard questions this time. Sitting in the shadow realms where no one wants to go. Learning it is a nurturing place and a skill of goddess, Wonder WomAnn power to wrestle, the who, the what and the why of my human nature.  Fulfilling my purpose here on this earth, accepting the revolutionary nature of the spirit encased in human form. Ahhh! It is like a tub full of extremely hot bath water that is painful and soothing all in the same moment. Soaking in the completeness of me this weekend!