Chances are...

There are days when I wake up just thinking...NO MORE! No more, working so hard, explaining things again to a curious stranger, no more traffic, no more juggling bills and life, no more being so hard on myself, no more fear of not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. No more dating, no more trying to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with that is that perfect match, just balanced for the areas that keep things in perspective.

No more second chances, third chances, fourth chances or fifth chances. I am tired. I am sure there is not enough. Then silence sits in my head. Just when I hear that thought in my head, this tiny crazy miracle thing happens. Somewhere, in my heart, there is a jolt of compassion and love. Compassion, for myself, for my trials, for my family, for my friends, for the people I work with everyday. Enough compassion for the stranger at the store who asks innocently about my child. Enough compassion for the traffic, the weather, the time of the month. Just enough to make it through another day. Just enough to know that somehow in this vast universe that I have been given another chance. or just enough to keep going.

Having enough to do what is next. Having enough mercy and compassion seems like a gamble. There is always another chance. Another chance for everything in my life. My optimism jumps. The meter on my heart is reved. There it is. That crazy feel of super human life. Standing up from the bed, I can see myself in the mirror. I don't look like superwoman. Do I really feel like super woman? Am I listening to myself or just that nutty Pollyanna kind of voice in my head that wants everything to be alright? No it is me the real me. The one who remembers the past and yet keeps it there in perspective. The one who remembers the trials and the aches from defeat. Oh yes that was me. I was there. All along trudging through. Carrying my load and telling myself I would be so strong, so valiant, so wise, so loving, if I just kept going. Hmmm, what baggage was picked up along the way?

At one point the second, third, fourth and twelfth chances ran out. My heart was broken. There was no more room. scar tissue built up to the degree that I couldn't open it up again. So sad to be in that spot. It took two years to see that there is still room in my life for that kind of love. It still feels like a gamble and feels as if there is a typical run of high stakes and low stakes on any given day. Patience and Trust. Those two don't seem like good gambling buddies. Maybe they are? Maybe, just maybe they are exactly what is required to be a high stakes winner?

There is much to learn on this time around the bend. Healing and growing. forgiveness always has to be given to myself first. Then it seems like there is enough for others.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! Chug, Chug!

Too much or too little?

Is it the moment of epiphany that strikes us calm, quiet and mindful? Or is it the act of a reaction in the events of our lives?

Everyday the balance becomes tremendous. This goes here and that goes there. These things await and these people are in need. I must listen and I must speak.

So the quote from the week that sat with me and caused me to stew..."We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out." -Ray Bradbury

I know I feel as if it is trivial at times but still I wonder about it. Is the glass half full? Half empty? Too much coming in or just not enough capacity to handle it all?

The glass is half full for me. Knowing I am half way into my journey. Knowing I have much to come. Much to be realized. Much to learn.

There is not too much coming! I know that I need to expand my capacity to handle the journey. My glass needs to grow. My cup needs to expand. Then I will be ready.
There isn't a moment of ready. Like becoming a parent or growing up. It is not a marked moment in readiness. We just become along the way.

Now the process, the journey. Learning to spill, and share and allow for the flow of things in and out of my life. No control. Just in the moment of being. Allowing the talent, love and hurts and fears to be. Allowing them the place in time and space. Not controlling, but allowing the Universe to do it's job and for me and my journey to do mine. Knowing nothing will remain the same. The capacity to fulfill our purpose! Breathing into the belly. Knowing the place is just as it should be and the time is exactly what it was designed for. Hoping for nothing and being overwhelmingly surprised at the outcome. Whatever it may be.

Trusting the seconds that pass and are marked by sounds around me. Sounds within me and the thoughts that narrate my moments. How powerful this place is! Wowed by the presence of this thought.

So you think, "this is too deep!" Not so much. Just thinking about the kids growing, the work of everyday life, the connection between the people I love and their journeys. It is just what is quietly running when there is silence from the hum pf the television, conversations, road noise, worries, constant internal dialog, thoughts popping (literally) into my mind. Making the worries take their place. Granting the right order, place and value to what they should be. Remembering the purpose of this blog. Just acknowledging the pinnacle for me to obtain and direct myself.


Looking to the awakening. Trying to remember the dream.

What is that smell?

The other night I came home to a smell that any parent dreads. The smell of poop. I walked into the house to be odor assaulted by the smell. I look and reacted like a sea anemone in a fraction of a second actually. There he was my son covered in poop! Trying frantically to clean it up. My question was ..."where is the sister in charge?" "Why did this get out of control as compared to any other time?" But the most important question was the one that to this day, three days later, I can not answer! HOW DID HE GET POOP ON THE WALL IN SUCH A MANNER?

After cleaning it all up and taking care of the rest of the issues. I laughed. I cried and was angry at myself, my angry outburst at my teenager, my chosen words of affection, my burst of disgust and disdain for cleaning poop.

Had to go out for a walk. There were tons of thoughts running through my mind. My heart was racing from the event of Poop du jour and the pace at which I went for a walk.
Wait there was a another smell. That dusty smell that reminds me of back to school. The smell of decomposing leaves. I paused for a moment to look up at the young maples that lined my street. Yes, it was happening. Fall was really here. The maple leaves were changing colors. They were falling to the ground and I was walking through them. I love fall as it is such a monumental season of change for me. Always seems to have been. Summer is great fun and winter is comfy, while spring is full of promise. Fall on the other hand is change, a promise of things changing, something different. Different in myself, in my thoughts, in my days, in my loved ones. Different is a good experience for me. I love the colors. the smell, the cool sunshine. The longer nights. Comfy sleeping with cooler nights, windows cracked open. Thick comforters, to spring out of on quick days. While on those cool Saturday mornings I can enjoy hiding in my fluffy bed. Warm and toasty.
I loved the days the kids would climb in to my bed and snuggle. Those days are long gone. The attraction of Mom's bed is now replaced with their own bed, the Saturday morning cartoons and activities that draw them into other places and journeys in their lives.

The smell of warm soft kids in pajamas. Wonder and love when they lay next to me and ask why there are white tiny hairs on my face. Their wonder and love for listening to each others heartbeats. Hmm. Miss that.

So I will head out this morning mindful of the smells, the smells that are around me. The change, the change that I feel and see, and the blessings each of what those things bring to me.
Grateful for the day and all its promise. Mindful of the smells of home and the road.

The Comet...

Have you ever seen a comet? Have you ever felt the presence of a comet in your life? The wonder of something outside of our realm interacting with us without the ability to influence it? Just stand by and watch it buzz through your atmosphere. Knowing its influence on you and your world is likely great or small and infinitely impacting each nerve and neuron.

There are three things that can happen as a result of two objects being pulled toward each other because of gravity:

1. They escape from each other.

2. They crash into each other.

3. They orbit each other.

Watching this happen, knowing the outcome potential, we are destined to wait. Like a birthday, you know it is coming, you anticipate the best, yet no one knows for sure how the strength of the moment will define it. We can think positively and hope that our knowing will influence the outcome.

People are like comets, escaping, crashing or orbiting. We come into each other's lives or orbits to allow for the growth experience.

The speed that we experience this is directly related to the energy we put out and into the moment.

Particles surround each comet, asteroid or meteor. Particles like baggage and suitcases, will change the weather. Particles will change the sunset. Particles will induce thoughts and emotions to the unsuspecting and even to the most suspecting. Still we are not able to predict for the outcome if energy is involved.

This past weekend was like riding a comet. I felt like I was running a million miles an hour, reacting and crashing and avoiding. Not to mention the particles were brilliant. I sit back now and gawk at the tail of the comet. Knowing it is glowing and lighting and changing everything it comes into contact with. What great power to be able to influence such things as time, space and the miracle of humanity. How incredible to see the impact and influence of one rock, a mass of particles, surrounded by energy and dust particles create everything from a ripple effect that will carry on a trillion years into the future. Observe and know even the great influence and impact will change the now and the future. The sunset and our perception of it. The chemistry and our reaction to it. The influence and our receptivity to it. Makes one feel infinitely small and minuscule.

Knowing the power of a particle is in our grasp. The ability to influence and drive even the smallest piece of matter into any one's life is daunting.

How do we respond to the energy of each other? Are we seeing this influence? Are we acknowledging the depths and presence of each person? Acknowledging the possible three things that could have happened between us as comets? Taking a deep breath. Knowing what I now can not control. Seeing the piece of energy I can contribute, feeling the grand scheme of the world, life, society and its purpose.

It is a wonder to me. Starring at it. Starring at the people in my life. Seeing their glow.

Sometimes starring is a compliment...even to a comet!

Racers start your engines....

"In calmness there should be activity, in activity there should be calmness."

-Anonymous

I am looking at my planner and thinking about the tasks ahead for the next four days. How will I balance this? Juggle that? Learn, listen and live?

The will to do my best and make a difference in the world will keep me tethered.

I am grateful for wonderful people and the supports I have to make things work and to make a difference in the world. Some days I feel as if there isn't much to be proud of and then it will happen. A minute or a flash of a few seconds I will recognize the impact things in my life have on others, in ways I never imagined. I am humbled then. It is like a shot in the arm. Not running in circles. Someone was listening. The universe responded with that validation. I put out there then it came back.

Now to keep the momentum. This weekend will be very busy. I will be in and out of the house and office all weekend. The kids will see me in passing on some days. This is a weekend that I wished I had a partner to help them and be with them while I had my other duties. I am grateful for all that I have. And on some days all that I don't have!

I am pedaling as fast as I can.

Sands....

"Like sands in the hour glass, these are the days of our lives." That brought back memories to me as I was trying to think of how it went. I may even have it all wrong. It was day time tv drama in high school. All the girls watched it and most lived for it. Once the vcr was invented, they all recorded it. In some instances they would run home during lunch to watch it. I never did. My Mom watched "As the world turns."

TV dramas never really captured my interest. Except I confess, the "X-Files". At least that wasn't a daily addiction and then yet it wasn't even something I watched for long.

No the daily drama is fulfilling enough. I have my own drama. My own stars, that have their talents, skills and quirks. I have my own producers, writers and even commericals. Balancing all of this is amazing to me. Keeping the peace is daunting. Knowing the needs of today's episode star, be they leading lady or leading man. Factoring for the weather, the climate their temperment. My own powers and abilities to make this all come through in a shining moment at the end of the day. Yes, "well done" are words enough when it is time to put my feet up.

As I look longer and listen closer, the importance of perfection has lost its judgement. Seizing that moment. Relishing this thought or feeling. Perfection is for me to seek within myself. Not within the people I interact with, the work I do or the situations I attempt to control. I can not control it. I have to use the tools, the talent and the hope. I pray all things work out for the right reasons and causes.

I am grateful for my gifts, my friends, my job, my family, home and my potential. I long to see where this journey will take me. Sometimes impatient. Sometimes irreverent to the lesson.

I am seeing the sand slip through my fingers. Feeling it's warmth, know it is tiny fractured pieces of glass and rock. Thinking it is so small. I am unable to focus on the smallest particle. I am noting the sensation of the sand slipping through my fingers. I am feeling the feeling. Soft, warm, fast. It moves quickly. Too quickly. I can not slow it down. Oh, just once to slow it down? The I know there are times I do not sense it, do not listen to its sound as it falls from my hand, I do not attend to the particle or the presence. Those go by quickly. It is sometimes better to stick my feet into the sand. That is grounding. Not stable but grounding. For that moment, I am sure and connected. Sometimes I can put my ear to the sand and hear its voice, squishing under the feet of walkers. Hearing it blowing in the wind. Tumbling into each other. I sometimes like to blow into the sand to make it jump. Make it do something that I command. Cause a chain reaction. Only to see it always fall back into its own rightful place. Exactly as it should be in the Universe. No drama there. All is well and right.

Sandcastles today and tomorrow. I have a bucket and a shovel.

Aches and Woes...

"The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it." -Doris Day, (fifties film phenonmenon)

I awoke sore and achey today. Thought to myself for a minute that there must have been something I had done to cause such a thing. Not enough water last night, too much wine, not enough sleep, do I need a new mattress?

I am not old I scream to myself! It is all in my mind! I am only fortyfive years young! I have so much mor eto do with my life! I am not going to entertain these aches I will ignore them. umm, but wait that is also a problem to me. I at all ages have ignored my body's cries for rest and peace and good health. I have chosen to put other people and concept before my own needs. That didn't get me anywhere. Well it did get me someplace...here. Now. Knowing. Sigh! I am listening to my selff and my body today. I hoppe the conversation is good and reception is clear. I want to be better.

I loved the quote. My Dad loves Doris Day. Her and Angie Dickinson.

The photo I found just scouting around. It stung a bit. I don't want to be old and alone. The idea of being alone in my old age is so sad. I know when the kids go I can haunt their neighborhoods and spoil their kids but to be alone...what a drag. I want to adventure and do the other things that are still on my list of things to do. I want to be able to shock and awe my kids and grandkids. I want to travel the world and see, hear smell, taste and share what I have learned and perfected. I don't want to do it alone. Not now or not ever.I am sure being with the right person can make all things better. For now I will experience it alone.

Sometimes there are things that I can just do easier myself for a moment. Not always a two person dance. The music moves on.

Counting..1..2..3..

"The butterfly counts not the months but the moments and has time enough." -Rabindranath Tagore

So it is Tuesday and I am wondering how will I last through this week of meetings and evaluations and events and of course, the rest of my life of juggling the kids and work and find some time for myself.

I will walk slower...thats one cure. Against my own wishes since I split my heel open last night on a BBQ tool.

Funny how the universe helps us achieve our goals!

I will breath deeper! It will be a sunny day. I will listen closer. I will have people I care about to listen to.

Right foot, Left foot, 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3! I remember the dance!

Fighting the space...

I knew it all along. Been fighting the space that sits in my life and in my heart. There was my rationalization that kept me there. That same rationalization that gave me the knowledge that it wasn't time to fill it yet.

Since there wasn't a time in the day or in the night that I didn't I rationalized it as an escape. An escape to, in a sense, hide in. It needs to be examined. Just look at it. Don't try to fill it. Trying too hard gives the wrong energy. Finding the courage to look at it and not fix it. Not fill it. To let it be. To love it for what it is...a space that is not filled right now.

Being right, can be being wrong. acknowledging the moment. Allowing it to not bother me. celebrating the space in my life. The space for the right things to come. The space for all of what I desire to manifest. Learning to trust the Universe again today in another way. Waiting for the occupant to come, to fill my space is okay. In the mean time I am filling my bucket. Finding the fuel and food to keep going. Keep loving and keep learning.

Packing is not on my agenda today.

Missing the ball...

So I thought I could accomplish lots this weekend. I set my sights and took two steps forward. Along the way I felt invigorated that I would succeed. There was much at stake at times and other times it was an easy win/win situation. It was necessary for me to see that some things were going to be easy and some things were going to be hard.

It is Sunday night and I realize I missed the ball. I wanted to accomplish all things and I had expectations of doing it all and performing at my best. I look back and realize that there is just that moment of knowing something went wrong. Something that gave me the feeling of missing the ball. The thing that slipped through my fingers and made me stop and think...was that what I think it was? Should I have responded differently? Did I say the right things and do the things that made the universe fall into place according to my wishes?

Nope. Nada! Missed it. Really missed it. Made the realization that it was a moment of not being awake. Thinking past it I was wondering what was the lesson of that moment? Was it to miss the ball per se? Or was it the lesson to actually feel my limitations in accomplishing all things? How is it that we can be in the moment and yet not be in the moment?

I am sorry now. I am reflecting and wondering how did that happen? Did I manifest it or did it actually happen. Wow! Stunning puzzlement. Sigh! Failing again at being perfect. This journey is hard. Not to mention being all to everyone but more importantly being everything to myself.
I want another chance, another try. Another attempt to right the wrong, to catch the ball. to throw it back to the universe and to say "Ha! I am ready and willing and skilled to handle whatever you throw me or whatever I manifest!" Just not today's game.

Back to practice. Back to the drawing board. Back to the knowing of knowing what I don't know. Back to the realizations that the self-doubts are still with me and will be that handicap until I can trust myself and the universe.

Another day, another practice. Time to wash my uniform and prepare for another game and keep on keeping on.

"Hey Batter, Batter! Hey Batter, Batter!"

Eye on the ball!...Batter up!

Am grateful for the coaching and the chance to play! Go team!

Spidey Sense

Spider Girl...

I have sat through moments of time and wondered how did I know what I know? What and where did that knowledge come from? Is it just a chance realization? A chance coincidence that I knew what I knew when I knew it? Or was it really the intuition I have been seeking my entire journey. Self doubt sets in. Discount & minimalize because that is what I have been trained to do. Was it me or was it the spirit or was it both? Was it really the coincidence of knowing?

Trusting is such an under-recognized skill. Knowing is even more daring and daunting! I know I have watered it down for years actually for more than twenty years. Was it because I questioned it? Was is it against the status quo? Was is un-Christian to think outside of the box? Was it discounting the priesthood? The mantle of discipleship?

I know now that the Spidey sense is that piece that I have relied on in motherhood, in friendship and in following my heart. When I listen, I am at my best. My fullest potential and able to harness the gift and skill that was ordained to me specifically. Now to train the Spidey-sense athlete that is within me. Personal development, trust, knowing, listening and being able to question the status quo.

What a wonderful gift to have the guidance of angels, spirits and the writings of those who have tread this path before me. I am grateful. Wanting to listen, to know and to stop the inner doubts. It is just that...time and training that keeps me in the know. In the moment and at my best. Atrophy is negligence. I want to be that knowing, sensing and attuned woman. I want to have my Spidey-sense in full alert at a full time job and career within myself. I want it to help myself and the ones I love. I want to use this to its fullest. I want this tool to shine!

"Wealth and Fame, she's ignored, action is her reward, to her, life is a great big bang up, whenever there's a hang up, you'll find the spider girl!".

Listening, trusting that Spidey-sense! Spinning and planning! Its all good!

Ode to a bestest buddy! Red!

Finally got this picture from Deb. She has been a good friend and a real trooper over the past four years. We have seen each other though good, bad and ugly times! I know she was put in my path for a reason. I am grateful that she has the strength of a valiant giant and the wisdom of a woman on a mission. Although some of us lose our vision when clouds approach I am thankful to have her for a barometer from time to time.

When we first met I thought she was the quickest witted woman on earth. She didn't seem to give a crap what others thought and carried herself that way. Wow! Another TALL WOMAN! Finally I have met someone worthy of my goofiness and trials and friendship. Someone who put their pants on the same way I did! LONG!

She smiled at me when I felt like crying, she laughed at me when I thought I was dying. There wasn't a movement that didn't orchestrate a smirk from her when we were finding ourselves in tune...fellow choristers unite! She would have tied my hands behind my back if I had asked her!

In her darkest moment she was still loving and kind and forgiving. In her happiest moments she remembered to check on me. Unselfishly! My trials were met with her support.

Now it is the season of tables turning. I must support her in phone calls and in laughs and whatever else the crisis demands. She is truly a gift to me. I am grateful for her beauty, her talent and her friendship. An example to what the spirit of friendship is and what many fall sorely short of! How lucky can a girl get!

I know why the cage bird sings...be it for the moment! Thank you Deb!

Shaping up?

We have come a long way. I remember where I was the day it happened. Yes, standing in my classroom thinking it was unreal. I was scared.

Today I am not scared but still able to feel the specific type of fear.

I know I have been shaped by the events that have occurred in my life. I know there is purpose in every moment.

I remember the moment the Audiologist told me Maggie was deaf.

I remember the moment of realizing I was pregnant with her. Then again with Rachael and with Sarah. I remember the moment they were born. I remember having this vision of who they were to become at the moment I pushed them out. That was a blessing for me. That moment and vision helped me hold a vision for who they needed to become. Who I needed to be to ensure they had the best Mom for that journey.

Now seeing them shaping up into the women I was granted a vision for makes me thankful, humbled and a bit scared of the strength I need to have to carry on.

There are those times when we look back and shake our head. If I had only known then what I know now! Would we have done things differently? Would our choices have been different?

Why was I gifted the vision of who the kids would become if in fact I was highly likely to make the choices I have made? I wouldn't have changed a thing about them. I would have only asked myself to be more aware, more attuned, more receptive, to listen better, to think more concisely.

No it is all good! No doubts in that! Despite the scrapped knees and hard knocks, I wouldn't change a thing.

I want to love deeper, listen closer, breathe slower, think clearer, hug longer, celebrate more and cherish the gifts. Like the stories or analogies of the rock, rough and jagged, being rolled down the hill. I am that rock. rolling, bumping into other rocks, chipping away my rough edges, being hewn into a smooth more perfect form.

It has been a long week. I am glad it is Friday. I know I will work at making sure the vision I have for myself and my children is in my mind this weekend so that I can love deeper, listen closer, breathe slower, think clearer, hug longer, celebrate more and cherish much!

Like any fine metal...the fire removes its impurities. Shining like 14 kt.!

Vision & Clarity

"If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change." -Buddha

I think to myself how lucky we are to watch our children grow. I sat back for a moment and looked into the girls faces as we spoke. I saw in them the spirit and personality that they have been given. I saw in them their father, their mother and their grandparents. Wow! Being able to see so much in so small a space and time. I think I am blessed. They are beautiful. I am grateful, knowing they have changed my life!

Measuring up!

It is so easy to compare. We compare when we shop for gas, shop for groceries and shop for other day in and day out items. I am thinking it is back to school time and in the course of a few months I have spent at least $420 on things to prepare my kids with the necessary things to go back to the routine of our regular life...the non-summer lifestyle. So here we are My two teenage girls and five year old son and I shopping. Comparing what is best in quality, quantity and price. Have we gotten our money's worth, will this really be needed? Is this what the other kid's will be wearing, using or is this something we can live without or make do without? There are so many choices so many comparisons. So many considerations. We lament the decision and second guess ourselves and our judgement to ensure we are using our facilities at their best.

Did you have a place in the house where your folks made you stand up next to the wall and kick the back of your heels to the wall trim? Ours was in the garage, or in the kitchen. A common place for reflection and review. Lean back and stretch your spine as far as you could to the ceiling? Did you parents mark the wall with a pencil? Write the date/name and then your siblings height as well? Do you remember the chatter? "I am taller than you!" "I grew 1/4th of an inch more than you did this summer!" All the while ignoring the load that was on our shoulders while these comments came out and were confirmed, acknowledged or denied?

Now that it is the season of reflection, I am posed with the idea that I must compare, shop and quantify myself, my world and the people I choose to interact with. How is this happening? I am not always conscious of it. I am not always thinking of it...metacognitive processes at work. Thinking about thinking about it. Is this autopilot?

I know what I don't know. I know(I think!) what I don't want to know although some of that is subconscious and I choose to not think about what I don't want to think about! (kind of like the perpetual question of "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"). Really is that so important? Knowing what I don't know? Being mindful of those minuscule things I fear. Ahhh! There it is the "F" word! Fear! It has four letters and haunts us all. We don't talk about it and yet we live with it more than 80% of our thought processes and inner dialogue is washed in it. Elephant in the room.

Will this look good on me? I hate the idea of not looking good! Will this cost too much? I hate the idea of not having enough money. Will this bring me happiness? I hate the idea of losing time to unhappiness. Hmm some connection between the word "hate" and "fear". Four letter words both share the same vowels. Inner dialogue running amok now in fear and worry. (at least for some of us)

I used to think I wasn't tall enough, smart enough, pretty enough, rich enough or even sillier good enough. Where did those thoughts come from? How in the heck did they make residence in my thinking and in my processes? Who instilled these thoughts and why?

In all the turmoil of thoughts and fears of not being good enough, doing enough, knowing enough, thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, pretty enough, it is not enough to be just okay? Good where we are at. Finding kindness for ourselves? Accepting the place and development for the time and space we are in? Celebrating the progress of where we are and what we have done within our own measure! Being just where we are and knowing it is the place? "This is the place!" The place I need to be for the now. Knowing that the next place will also be the right place for that now.

The measure should be a mirror that we hold for ourselves rather than a tape of standards of which to compare each other, the world and everything outside of our self.

If we are our own worst enemy and critic then shouldn't we also be our own best ally and cheerleader? Looking in the mirror. Looking at the last mark on the wall that I had measured my growth and just mine alone. I am here and happy to be here. Knowing this is where I should be and just that...I am measuring up to my own expectations and goals. Standing tall now for tomorrow!

Things revisited...

I remember my Mom telling us that if there was reincarnation she would come back as a dog in our family since we treat our dogs like people. I know that this is true. Sometimes we are kinder to our animals than you eachother. Having a dog in the house seems to slow us down a bit and make us mindful and caring in a fast paced world. I am grateful for the little dog we have in our home if only it is for a little while. It teaches my children to care and be responsible on a different level than just buzzing around the house in the frenzy to get ready for school and activities.

Sometimes it is the little things that makes us stop and think.

I have been contemplating this very thing. Slowing down to listen. Having lessons reintroduced and trying to grasp the reason for our review of such a lesson, message or mistake.

A while back, probably two years ago, I was introduced to a budhist saying that I have written in my journal about. At the time I got it, I felt I had the answers needed to address it. I realized this morning that I am not done with it but need to slow down and consider it repeatedly.

The say goes... "In the end these things matter most: How well did you love! How fully did you love! How deeply did you learn to let go!" -Budha

Now reflecting on that this morning I have to say it is not a one time thing. It is a daily process. To love and care. To be mindful. To sit in the moment and know of knowing.

I gain joy from loving well. I am happiest when I fully love someone. I ache at deeply letting go.

The first two pieces are easiest to answer for me. I feel like a loving person. Not perfect in my love but giving freely and willingly. It is the last part that stings and hangs like a debt unpaid.

Part of the letting go is loving someone enough, deeply enough and willingly well enough to appreciate their release. Their graduation from my world to do their own thing. To be who they need to be. To celebrate what needs to be celebrated and given honor to. To recognize their gifts they have shared with me. To acknowledge that the gift of time and love and companionship is just that, a gift. Some parts stay with us and other parts leave us. For good or bad.

Whether it is a friend, a child, a sibling, a parent, a partner, a coworker, a pet, a phase in our lives, it is all important. On every level. Cherishing it is a skill. Being able to recognize what is left from the spoils.

Checking in with myself today. It is important to watch the clouds, listen to my breathing and know that I am alive, well and loving. Even loving the empty spaces or places that once were occupied in my life and in my days. I am remembering to be that spiritual being in a human expereince. Understand this place I have come to learn, visit and experience these things for my growth, development and improvement.

Time to check the dog's food dish and head on my path!

Breathing through it...

It actually worked. They are in school. Thanks be to the public school system! nervous first day jitters. Breathing through it is the best answer. "Don't worry everyone else is going through the same feelings." "It is not as bad as you think it is." "It will fly by in no time."

New gear, new fear. First day of High school, first day of eighth grade and the first day of his last year of preschool. New teachers and new bus drivers. New kids and new routines. Did they brush their teeth? Did I send the right stuff with them?

Say a prayer for the kids. Say a prayer for the teachers and bus drivers. Know this is all part of their journey. Theirs and ours. We came here to learn, conquer and dominate. What a great adventure!

I forgot to tell them something before they left to the adventure...How proud I am of who they have become and who they are becoming. I am grateful. Grateful they are my children, I am grateful they are in school and not me! Tonight's dinner table topics will be rapid fire. I need my double chocolate espresso to help me stay ahead of their chatter. Sigh! Now what to cook for dinner? It is never ending! Never a dull moment. Keeping in line, I will make this day a great one! Breathing though it!

Defining Moments to a woman!

There I was having breakfast with one of my dearest friends. We were catching up on the latest in each others lives and it happened. Yes that infamous moment when we broke into the all-time champion girl topic that revisits our lives from the moment we were first awarded the piece of our wardrobe that defined us in so many ways.

It happened the last time we were together eating breakfast and catching up. It also happened the time before that as we both acknowledged our epiphany into ourselves. Yes at 45 I am still learning. Learning about myself, about my world and about the things that I rely on to define me, myself and I.

At that time I can only imagine it was near the age of two or so. The cotton soft briefs that were awarded to me so graciously by my Mom. Little do we know as Moms and as women of the impact that first pair of underpants has on us. This is the moment of responsibility. The moment of ownership and the place of rank in the world of "big girls" in our life. Can you remember them? Were they colored? Were they white cotton Hanes? Were they adorned with cartoon characters of a playful nature? Did the have ruffles sewn across the bottom? Hmm, what was Mom thinking when she purchased them? What was I thinking when they became mine...all mine! The big girl panties! No more diapers!

I found myself standing in front of my dresser drawers, open, with a pile of lace facing me. Wondering what I would like to wear today. Underwear, panties briefs and bikinis. Wow! You have come a long way baby! Those whom have known me for the past twenty or more years, know all to well the evolution that has occurred in my life. Many evolutions but to those closest and "in the know"...The creation of a species or underwear user/consumer that has defined my being to some degree. That definition that has been large and small, modest and immodest. From cotton white training pants, jockey briefs, Hanes bikinis, Mormon underwear, to the lace and comfort of panties that is now what makes me smile.

Why is she smiling? How is it that panties can be so defining? They are just underwear right? Isn't it that necessary piece of undergarments that we prescribe to in our modern society and culture? It is truly not that big of a deal. Or is it?

In gender roles, dances and games, the donning of a sexy piece of underwear signals to the spouse/partner that our sexuality and femininity is "on" and open for business. Shattering, I know. Why is it that women allow their femininity to be like a duty, a uniform for others to appreciate? Rather than for themselves. Allowing permission to be feminine in select moments of our lives. Our honeymoon, an anniversary, a birthday, a holiday. How is it that it has to be a special event to adorn our calendar before we can adorn ourselves in trappings of femininity? Should this be so? Who decides this?

Can we just break free and see that this femininity was all ours, twenty-four hours a day seven days a week? Not just for a special occasion, and event but for us, our enjoyment and our journey. Would you think of crossing the desert without air conditioning? Then why wouldn't we live everyday in the gift of our femininity? Relishing the gift we have. That only we have! Women! Girls! How lucky can we get? Curves and lines, smooth and bumps and all! I think it is wonderous! Seems so silly that I have lived in this body for so long and not recognized it for what it was. Packaging of what it is, for who it makes me and for the beauty that defines each of us women.

So back to the big girl panties...I had the honor of knowing a woman that I once worked with that taught me a great motto. She herself was struggling with some intense challenges of raising two daughters, one of whom was deaf, all the while she battled an advanced stage of breast cancer. Once in the office we were talking about how things had become so distorted in our own perceptions of what we thought life should be and how much we had allowed this dissatisfaction effect our days and lives. She had brought in a card to share. The card had a picture of a little girls cryng on the front of the card. the outside of the card read, "Sometimes life is terribly wrong and nothing goes right." Inside the card it read "Just put on your big girl panties and get over it!". Yes we laughed so hard till we cried. It was just what I had to think through. My perceptions of myself and my life seemed so awful. We commesurated and got back to work.

So here it is the first "school night" and the kids and I are sad to see summer go. The teens are complaining about the fact they have to go back to school. I have to go back to work and yet another day goes by all over the world. Loving myself, my children, my life and my gifts. I am loving my big girl panties and what they mean to me. I am grateful for my femininity and the chance I have to celebrate it in mindfulness and consciously. I will get up tomorrow pick my big girl panties out of my drawer, put them on and say to myself..."Get over it! It will be a terrific day!!".

For the moment dancing in your underwear is an okay thing to do!

Knowing how to catch and release...

There is something to the Chinese Fung Shui concept of clearing, getting rid of things that clutter. Not only does it allow for negative, old unused items to be gotten rid of but it makes space to welcome good, new and better things into our lives. We tend to accumulate much on a grander scale than any other country or culture I have ever known. We buy things to hold our things, we buy more things because we think more is better. We collect things because we think we need them. The more we buy, get or collect...the more we want. It makes me remember the two year old that rule of life. What I have is mine, what you have is mine, what I see is mine, what you see is mine and what I am not playing with is mine. Is this where it starts?

So catch and release? You are thinking, "Ann, where are you going with this?". Well many places actually. Catch and release energy, good or bad positive or negative. Catch and release ideas, good or bad, positive or negative. Catch and release memories, loving, hurtful or just the ones that make us think. Is it such that we can only catch? Release is such a terrific thing for me these past two years. I know I used to catch and horde all the energies, emotions and feelings. I now know the beauty of the release. Holding but for a moment. Be in the moment. Learn from the moment. Letting the purpose of the catch(emotions, energy and feelings) be. Serve their purpose, then as needed, release. What a novel idea to release! Why I couldn't or wouldn't was beyond me. Now looking back I see that my skill set wasn't ready or able to release.

The accumulations of things, emotions, energies and feelings have a way of demanding our attention. In purposeful ways. To experience the catch, feel the moment, then hold the experience. Learning while holding if possible. Thinking upon the catch. Knowing the value of it. Feeling its gift and impact. Then comes the hard part...the release. Like the two year old hanging onto the trophy, we relish whatever it was that the catch gave us, good or bad for what ever reason. It is hard to willingly give things up for the idea of release. Fearing the void of what the release may give us. The space of unknown that will be open, empty and wanting. It can be frightening or exciting. The unknown. The empty. It can leaves us second guessing ourselves. Did we need that, will we need that, is that somehow intrinsically good deep down inside? Will it be re-usable? Should we recycle on some level? Will someone else want it? Then the moment of truth comes to us and we must choose to listen to its voice..."should I keep it or get rid of it?". Is it the smell, the feel or the emotion starting to stink? Can we sustain the life of the catch to remain in its perfect original condition? Now for so much processing a small jolt of energy can cause us to release our grasp be it emotional or physical. Deep breath! And exhale...Release!

Making space. Making space is just that. Creating! Creating the possibilities for more of something. More emotions, things, feelings. Is more better? Is it scarier? Do we really want more? Is this the two year old wanting more? Wanting what is mine? Or just doing what comes to us in our journey of life...Catch and Release! Ahhhh! I must clean out the freezer of fish and catch some new ones. Salmon for dinner tonight!

Ode to Mom... September 8th, 1932

It is Saturday morning. It rains with a continual pace. I forgot to bring in the cushions from the deck last night so they are soaked this morning after a night full of rain. Yes it is coffee time. I haven't had mine yet but the inner voice of a caffeine addicted woman on a Saturday morning is banging on the walls of my head. Coffee, chocolate flavored coffee! Someone in the Coffee Universe of coffee flavor creating Gods knows my Achilles heel! Yes it will be that indeed...Double Dutch Chocolate Coffee! With creamer!

How did my Mom ever survive raising five kids without the aid of flavored coffees and martinis? She had to have her martinis and coffee straight! Astounding to me! Mom turns 77 this week. Tuesday to be exact. How do you really tell someone of such magnitude the impact they have in your lives in the people you see? I think she would be amazed if she knew how many times I have had her with me in the office, teaching, public speaking, shopping (of course), in the kitchen even at the gas station without her ever being physically with me. Growing up she was a forced to be reckoned with and the safest lap I knew when all was at a loss. Still a wondrous woman!


So I am reflective of her this weekend. Not just because it is "Labor day" weekend...that in itself should honor moms too for other reasons. (I can save that for another blog this weekend!) The reason is to examine my mom thus helps me to examine myself. Has it ever happened to you where you are talking to your kids and then somewhere in there we realize your mother's voice is coming out of our mouth and we are stopped dead in our tracks. Was that my mother's voice? Somewhere in my brain there was a message that came out like autopilot and made me inventory the room for my mother's presence. Perrhaps that is something that just the women in the world are confronted with. Oh my God! I think I swore at fourteen I would never be like my mother! Not only am I like her, I sound like her and it is terrifying. Is it that 14 years old trapped inside of me recognizing my mother's voice, her idioms, her euphemisms? I used to wonder why she could do such wondrous things with idioms and crossword puzzles. She grew up without television.(I never watch it anymore ...no time that is telling!) She is well read and educated and holds her own in a conversation as well as at dinner parties. Truly a Renaissance woman! Good for me she was raised on a farm. I never used to think that was a great thing but now looking back I was so lucky. I learned from a woman who could do anything. Then if she couldn't do it she sure as hell knew how to find someone to do it or she would figure it out herself. She is a resourceful one that supermom of mine. I am thinking of her and the parts of me that are her. I am thinking that about the contributions to my world that are a direct or indirect ripple from her.

So here it is the mantra for the day...slow down! Stay away from the authority(don't speed when driving to the mall?), listen to the rain. Know everything is as it should be. Be mindful and grateful of what gifts you have been given, time, people to love and the space to become a better person. Mindful. Thanks Mom! Chocolate cofee awaits!

Optimisim

Fall is here. I know. The trees started changing colors, it is darker, earlier and the kids will be back in school before I can blink. Sleeping with the window open is so comfy when all the comforters are in place and not kicked on the floor. The stars are out more or is it just the sky seems so dark and it is easier to shine in dark times for stars. I think that is important to note!

Daily horoscopes, intuition, the season of reviews. Fall is so reflective. Changes coming. It is easier to handle what I can see coming. Knowing where the bullets come from in life makes it easier to dodge.

I am recalling that Fall as a season has always been a happy one. I used to think it was because of the new clothes for back to school or the new pair of shoes I got as a kid. I remember the smell of a fresh ream of notebook paper and erasers when we got new school supplies. How privileged I was to have new school supplies. Many children all over the world do not. I never thought about that while I was growing up.

That reminds me...

There always was that parental comment to remind me to eat because there were children in third world countries that would kill for the food I was turning my nose up at! I knew all too well that statement was true having grown up in southeast Asia, I had even played with those kids in the streets of Bangkok. It still didn't make me like to eat Lima beans, Brussels sprouts and canned peas.

It is Friday so I will continue to fill more moments remembering my dreams from the night. My thoughts of tomorrow and especially my smells and sights of Fall from the moment. I am grateful for the dusty smell of fall leaves, new erasers, new shoes and a cool night to sleep in.

Thursday's Child

At the onset of the morning I am greeted witht he challenge to remember my dreams. I have spent great efforts to remember them to journal them but am finding that one word descriptions can not capture the events places and action in my dreams. This week the themes were similar. Places of strange architechure, people I don't remember knowing and comments that were random and unrelated to my now. So the test for me is to remember the similarities and hope the clarity will come to me.

It rained through the night. The comfort the sound of the rain gives me is better than the sound of the surf. Lucky to be in the northwest where that comfort is plentiful and not threatening as it was in the midwest. Sound marks time in my mind. I can let it slip by if I am not listening. Knowing the night is passing when it rains is comforting but sad when I want more sleep, more rest and more escape. Today is feeling like a blue jean day. Saddly I can not wear blue jeans to work today. A denim skirt will be the closest thing. The feel of blue jeans is also a comfort. I will save that for another day's blog.

Hi Ho Hi Ho It's off to work I go!

For the moment...

Is there a space in one's day for all the right things? I found a moment here and there but it seemed to escape my thoughts when emails popped up or the phone rang.

I was so tired yesterday that I forgot to take the trash out. I forgot to remind myself to remember to do something. How ludicrous is that?

Now after a full night's sleep I know some more limits. Can there actually be some sense of comfort in insanity? Temporary or permanent? Merlot induced or just exhaustion? I am happy to know that it gets better with age...insanity and wine! But like all great things we can't save it we must use it and act upon it. Someone told me recently to not keep my wine too long or it would just turn to vinegar. Is that true for all good things? Love as well? Spend it enjoy it share it relish it? Pass it on? Leave a bit for inheritance.

It is a good night tonight and I am sure tomorrow will bring more good things. I feel lucky each day and know it is due in great parts to my outlook. I set the stage, the tone and the rhythm and have the great expectations that things in the Universe will line up and come into place. I know I have much to do and much to create. So much to work on and share and put out there in the Universe.

Thank you Universe! Thank you friends, thank you family. I am humbled! great things are coming!