Chances are...

There are days when I wake up just thinking...NO MORE! No more, working so hard, explaining things again to a curious stranger, no more traffic, no more juggling bills and life, no more being so hard on myself, no more fear of not being good enough, smart enough or pretty enough. No more dating, no more trying to meet someone to spend the rest of my life with that is that perfect match, just balanced for the areas that keep things in perspective.

No more second chances, third chances, fourth chances or fifth chances. I am tired. I am sure there is not enough. Then silence sits in my head. Just when I hear that thought in my head, this tiny crazy miracle thing happens. Somewhere, in my heart, there is a jolt of compassion and love. Compassion, for myself, for my trials, for my family, for my friends, for the people I work with everyday. Enough compassion for the stranger at the store who asks innocently about my child. Enough compassion for the traffic, the weather, the time of the month. Just enough to make it through another day. Just enough to know that somehow in this vast universe that I have been given another chance. or just enough to keep going.

Having enough to do what is next. Having enough mercy and compassion seems like a gamble. There is always another chance. Another chance for everything in my life. My optimism jumps. The meter on my heart is reved. There it is. That crazy feel of super human life. Standing up from the bed, I can see myself in the mirror. I don't look like superwoman. Do I really feel like super woman? Am I listening to myself or just that nutty Pollyanna kind of voice in my head that wants everything to be alright? No it is me the real me. The one who remembers the past and yet keeps it there in perspective. The one who remembers the trials and the aches from defeat. Oh yes that was me. I was there. All along trudging through. Carrying my load and telling myself I would be so strong, so valiant, so wise, so loving, if I just kept going. Hmmm, what baggage was picked up along the way?

At one point the second, third, fourth and twelfth chances ran out. My heart was broken. There was no more room. scar tissue built up to the degree that I couldn't open it up again. So sad to be in that spot. It took two years to see that there is still room in my life for that kind of love. It still feels like a gamble and feels as if there is a typical run of high stakes and low stakes on any given day. Patience and Trust. Those two don't seem like good gambling buddies. Maybe they are? Maybe, just maybe they are exactly what is required to be a high stakes winner?

There is much to learn on this time around the bend. Healing and growing. forgiveness always has to be given to myself first. Then it seems like there is enough for others.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! Chug, Chug!